So a couple of months ago I posted a couple of Lost theories and I’ve since refined and redefined some of them. First let’s look and see how I’m doing, aye?

1 - The reason why Charlotte is getting nosebleeds is because she’s getting closer to her past self. I’d say that one was proven false.

2 - The imminent danger that the island is in has to do with a new course in the time stream that will result in multiple people running into other versions of themselves. This one’s still hard to prove right or wrong. We do know that what happens on the island happens – so Sawyer and crew were on the island in the 70s and there’s nothing we can do about it. However, I have to wonder now if Faraday’s obsessive drive to not warn Charlotte that she’s going to die as she returns to the island will destroy the time stream. I’m thinking he enlists Desmond, since Desmond is special, in order to change future events. Maybe save the Dharma Initiative by killing a young Ben in order to save Charlotte and Penny. And maybe that’s the imminent danger…

3 - The island is the Earth’s constant. Again, no evidence for or against although I did call the fact that pendulum is predicted when the island is, not just where it is.

4 – Faraday remembers pieces of his future in his past. I’m sticking by this one – Faraday messes with the time stream a little too much. I now think he’s crying in season four’s “Confirmed Dead” is because on a subconscious level he knows the events that are playing out will result in Charlotte’s death even though he doesn’t know who Charlotte is yet.

5 – Widmore’s the good guy. Too soon to tell, but I did call him being the leader of the Others before Ben got him exiled from the island. I’m expanded this theory below.

6 - Widmore turning the frozen donkey wheel is what’s behind the women’s inability to reproduce on the island. Again, too soon to tell, but we do know that the baby dying issue isn’t going on in the 70s. Since I think Widmore’s still on the island during the Dharma time (again, explained below) I think this theory’s holding strong.

7 - Adam and Eve, the two skeletons that were found in the cave during season one, are actually Penny and Desmond. This one was never a solid theory, more so something I’d like to see. So, you know – we’ll see.

Ok! New theory! Here we go!

Ben led a young people’s uprising on the island and the children of the Dharma Initiative replaced Widmore’s crew of others. Horace and Annie’s baby was a big plot point this week but we never learned the baby’s name. It seemed deliberate yet subtle. My thought? The baby’s Tom or Ethan or Goodwin or one of the other Other’s we’ve met in the future that don’t seem to be on the island during Jughead time. I think with new leadership comes new Others, possibly, and Ben’s teenager/young adult revolt, where kids killed their parents Children of the Corn style, was the type of sacrifice the island would need to allow Ben and his people to replace Widmore and his people.

I predict that in the coming weeks we’ll start to see young versions of all of the Others we’ve grown to know and love. And why is it so important that Jack, Kate, etc come back to the island? Because in order for Locke to truly become the leader of the Others, he needs his O6ers with him to replace the current (Dharma) others. If they’re not there, Locke can’t assume control, and Locke’s supposed to assume control because that’s just how it happens.

That’s the war that’s coming. It may not be a physical shoot-em-up war; it’s more of a maneuvering war for control of the island. The O6 (and other Oceanic survivors) are supposed to take control of the island with Locke as leader. Ben and ex-Dharma’s time is up.

Let’s see how it goes.

Labels: lost, television

This blog is officially crossing over into the nerd zone. It’s hard not to go there, though – this season has been so good so far. The show’s coming together and whereas there are still plenty of questions that need to be answered at least the show’s at the point where we know enough to formulate sensible theories. Anyway, here I go…

#1 – The reason why Charlotte is getting nosebleeds is because she’s getting closer to her past self. There’s plenty of evidence to suggest that Charlotte was born on the island. In fact, in “No Place Like Home,” Charlotte actually said she’s, “looking for where she was born.” So, you know. So why the nosebleeds? We need to go back to the Orchid outtakes video that was shown at Comic-Con in 2007:



You see the way Pierre Chang flips the fuck out when the two rabbits get close to one another? It’s obvious that when someone comes in close contact with a future or past version of itself very, very bad things happen. I’m thinking something along the lines of a singularity in time…and I’ll explain why in another theory. Also, I’ll get more into this with another theory, as well, but I think this also has to do with Daniel Faraday’s claims that you can’t change the past. But, again, more on that later.

#2 – The imminent danger that the island is in has to do with a new course in the time stream that will result in multiple people running into other versions of themselves. Think Sawyer, Miles, Juliet, etc running into their past or future selves. Again – really bad, singularity, explosion, maybe? Precursor for the Jughead bomb to go off? Island destroyed, and really bad things for the rest of the world as a result. This is obviously following my Charlotte theory, but there’s also Eloise Hawkins mad-scientist lab that Ben visited in “The Lie.” That pendulum that kept moving around and intersecting at one point over, and over, and over again. It could be a location of the island, sure. It could be that the “70 hours” Ben has to get on the island has to do with the window of time that the island will be at the exact location.

But Eloise is a time expert. We saw her in “Flash Before Your Eyes” – she knows what time’s supposed to look like. That’s why she stops Desmond from proposing to Penny. That’s why she says pushing the button is the most important thing that Desmond will ever do. She knows Desmond’s future and she corrects his course. Eloise knows time.

So when Ben turned the Frozen Donkey Wheel he altered the future. Made things uncertain (and I’ll get to why). You have a group of people that are traveling through time that aren’t supposed to. Mrs. Hawking knows the exact point at which these time travelers are going to end up someplace they shouldn’t be and it’s in 70-hours. Then the multiple time streams will cross (like the pendulum’s markings) and very bad things are going to happen.

#3 – The island is the Earth’s constant. This one’s hard to explain and I know I’m going way out on a limb with this one. The island has very weird time properties, we know that. We know time moves differently there, the island itself can disappear and, presumably, reappear at a different time. The Earth, on the other hand, moves uniformly through time. As long as the Earth and the Island can find each other, everything’s cool. Once the island becomes displaced in time, like it may be now, or simply displaced (Jughead going off), everything goes to shit for the earth and the island. I’m somehow tying this to the O6’s need to get back on the island – something to do with being within the perimeter of the island when Ben started turning the wheel but just outside of it when the island disappeared. This caused the island to be dislodged in time and everything started going screwy.

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Those are sort of my “Big Picture” theories. Now for some other ones…

#4 – Faraday remembers pieces of his future in his past. This is basically a done deal at this point, but not only is Eloise Hawking most likely Faraday’s mom, Ellie (the blonde girl in “Jughead”) is probably Eloise Hawking as a young woman. Seeing Faraday, seeing him disappear, could have caused her to become obsessed with time and take the path that she took. I’m going to go with the obvious follow-on, too, and say that Widmore is Faraday’s father. Anyway, Faraday himself said that you can’t change the past. The world won’t let you change the past. Which means his run-in with his probable mom actually happened in the past, unlike his run-in with Desmond. I’m wondering if Faraday’s interactions with his own past are what causes him to lose it a bit, somehow, in the future. Genetic memory is a word that’s thrown around by pseudo-scientists sometimes – maybe the reason he cries when he sees the Oceanic flight news broadcast is out of absolute confusion – he knows something about this but he doesn’t know what it is. Genetic memory, folks – handed down from Eloise to him.

#5 – Widmore’s the good guy. There’s a reason why Ben can’t kill Widmore and that’s because the island’s not done with Widmore yet, just like the island wasn’t done with Michael yet. Ben is a cancer to the island. He somehow has some level of control over Jacob. That’s why Jacob’s first words to Locke were, “Help me.” Widmore was the leader of the Others at some point. Something Ben did required the island to be moved and, as per some ancient rules, only the leader of the Others can move it and be banished from the island as a result. But what did Ben do? I don’t think there’s any evidence there to even suggest what kind of trick Ben played but I do have an interesting theory on the result…

#6 – Widmore turning the frozen donkey wheel is what’s behind the women’s inability to reproduce on the island. It’s sort of a punishment, of sorts. Let’s say Widmore and Eloise where married. And Widmore knew he had to turn the wheel and knew he’d be banished. And Eloise wanted to go with him. But now let’s say Eloise was pregnant with Faraday but didn’t know it yet. Now, there’s obviously some sort of step here that we’re missing, but I’m theorizing that somehow Eloise being transported off of the island while pregnant made it so that all fetuses become dislodged in time when they begin to gain consciousness. And why is Ben so obsessed with fixing this? Well, he knows it’s his fault, for starters. And because his own wife, Annie (the little girl from “The Man Behind The Curtain”), was one of the first fatalities from this new island paradigm. And he simply cannot cope with the fact that the one woman he’s ever loved is dead and it’s his fault.

#7 – Adam and Eve, the two skeletons that were found in the cave during season one, are actually Penny and Desmond. I don’t know why – I just love that theory. Penny and Desmond are destined to be the tragic couple. Desmond has a special ability (maybe even an island-saving ability) and he does what he has to do to save the world and somehow ends up at the beginning of time, on the island, with Penny. They die in each others arms in the cave, knowing they saved everything. And, just going totally batshit-insane out-on-a-limb, Desmond and Penny’s son, who retains some form of Desmond’s specialness, goes on to become the timeless Richard Alpert. Why the fuck not?

That’s all I got for now. I’m sure they’re all wrong but, you know, whatever. 31 episodes left, though, so it’s all going to start coming together pretty quickly now, I think.

Labels: lost, television

Last night wrapped up Heroes Volume Three ("Villains"). I sort-of-kind-of-liked the first season of this show. It had some horrible moments but, you know, it was about superheroes and that was cool enough to keep me watching. The second season was a car wreck that was impossible to look away from. It was mangled limbs and gore and shattered glass and fire but it was just too spectacularly horrible to take my eyes off of. It was a nice wallpaper show – TV running but 60% of my attention is on my laptop – and it gave me something to make fun of at the conventions.

Well, if season two was a car wreck then season three, so far, has been two eighteen wheelers running into each other at 80mph while getting sideswiped by an Acela train. Your mom’s driving the first truck and she’s getting ass-fucked by your best friend and face-fucked by your worst enemy while shooting heroin into her eyeballs and eating bloody shit out of an adult diaper. The other truck is driven by Santa Claus. His colonoscopy bag is rocketing through the front seat but he’s paying it no mind because he’s busy shoving the cutest baby you’ve ever seen in a blender and setting the controls for puree. As the two trucks hit Santa’s yelling, “If you only believed in me I would have gotten you that fucking pony!” And now he’s dead, and you’ll never get a pony. The train is being driven by the manifestation of all your hopes and dreams. We’ll call it “Bob.” As Bob’s face gets cut in half by rail and rusted metal you can actually see little bits and pieces crumbling off and being swallowed by the explosions of gasoline and spit and piss. There goes the house with the extensive library. There goes your All-Star pitcher of a son. There goes the hair. There goes the erection. Early-onset Alzheimer’s and another D.U.I. is all you can look forward to now.

This apocalyptic crash is set to the soundtrack of Kenny G covering Phillip Glass’s tribute to the songs of Kenny Loggins. It’s oddly catchy and disturbingly fitting. In the background is a concentration camp where the Jews and gypsies and blacks and Polish and midgets and liberals and puppies and rainbows and cookies are being incinerated. Then the incinerator is being incinerated inside a mammoth incinerator that looks like an open sore sliced across an ankle and smells like the rotting corpse of a dead whale’s aborted fetus’ diseased vagina. The sky is fuschsia explosion and the ground is the color and texture of the morning mucous from an emphysematic lung. There’s stickiness in the air, reminiscent of blood and cum and the crud one finds in the toilet of a long-forgotten Tennessee outhouse.

And while all this is going on you want to pull away. But you can’t – you’re strapped in with your eyelids held open by barbed wire. Your arms are tied-down by the entrails of a vulture that just finished eating a combination of excrement and nun. One bare foot is lodged into the ass of an 800lb shut-in while he seductively licks your other foot as if it’s a bucket of chicken deep-fried in chocolate. You squirm and you yell and you beg for God to take your life. When God doesn’t answer you pledge your allegiance to Satan if he’d just help you turn the TV off. But even he ignores you – you’re in a vacuum with Charles Manson and Adolf Hitler and Christopher Hewett and Sarah Palin. They’re asking you questions about two girls and one cup and lemon parties and goatses and even though you tell them you know what they are they keep showing them to you anyway. An epileptic wildly vomits Fruity Pebbles on your face and in the background is this symphony of pain that will be etched into your brain for as long as you live. Every time you close your eyes you’ll be forced to relive this cacophony of shame and regret and heartache and angel burgers.

And then it’s over. Volume Three is over. But a promo for Volume Four comes on with promise of fugitives and pussy pancakes and asperger gangbangs and mustard gas attacks on your dignity. And you say to yourself, “That’s it, seriously, I’m done! It just doesn’t make sense! How could all of this shit have happened in two days time? How is it possible that every character is capable of forgetting what happened two minutes ago? How are characters' arcs transformed into roller coaster rides that just shake you around until your brain is punctured by your cock and you always end up exactly where they started? How is it that the only thing that ever seems to motivate these characters is a desire to destroy whatever it was they were motivated to accomplish yesterday? What came first, the motivation or the self-hatred?”

And these questions keep running through your head and you laugh and you swear off future episodes but you know, deep down in your self-loathing heart, that you’ll be tuning in at 9PM on February 2nd, ready for another serving of Hell.

At least Ali Larter’s kind of hot for a transvestite.

Labels: heroes, review, television

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