A contact I have at the RNC just sent me the cover art and a couple of the tracks off of Michael Steele's new GOP Minority Outreach CD. He's obviously trying to capture that Obama magic but I don't know...I don't think he gets it.



1 - Intro: Hands Off My Papers
2 - Fear of a Black Republican
3 - The "Gay" Agenda

I'm supposed to be getting some more tracks next week. Apparently there's one called, "How Are You Supposed To Get Paid If Liberals Take Your Guns?" You can't blame the GOP for trying, at least...

Labels: humor, music, politics

Since 40 and 50-year-olds seem to like the Wii as much as 10-year-olds I figured I'd help Nintendo out and give them some new game concepts they can sell to that older demographic.

Wii Camaro – Fix it, wax it, and sit in it with the radio on! Take it out for a spin through suburbia once a week but never over 20 miles-per-hour! It’s the ultimate mid-life crisis simulator!

Wii Traffic – Find ingenious ways around traffic and then brag to your friends! Simulates real city traffic patterns and supports up to 4-players on the Wii Network so New Yorkers and Los Angelinos can actually prove who has a crappier commute!

Wii Fantasy Football – Pick your starting line-up and then watch three-hour long simulated games complete with half-time shows, beer commercials, and TV time-outs! If your players do well you win…nothing!

Wii Happy Hour – Blow off steam after a hard week’s work with this roll-playing game that allows you to get plastered, make fun of your annoying coworkers, threaten to quit if your boss does some minor grievance one more time, and stagger home drunk while complaining about having to go home to your vengeful wife and ungrateful kids – it’s the happiest hour on earth!

Wii Lotto – Pick your numbers and then wait a day for the results! You won’t get any money if you actually win so you’d still be making as much money as you’d make with the real lotto!

Wii Medicate – Back acting up? Bowels not really moving? Burning sensation down there? Well, take the proper pills with this Wii self-medicating simulator! Remember, if all else fails there’s always oxycotton!

Wii Dance – Hold the wiimote in your hand and get down. Unlike other dancing games that require a dancemat and fancy footwork, this game actually docks you points if you display any concept of rhythm or looking cool! It’ll be just like your last Holiday Party minus the disapproving stare of your boss!

Wii CBS – Trivia and mini-games featuring CBS’ primetime line-up! Includes content inspired by NCIS, Two and a Half Men, CSI and all of its spin-offs, Cold Case, and plenty of other programs targeted at that all-important 55+ demographic!

Labels: humor, videogames

These Pornos Exist

Yeah, I like the occasional porno. Some of you are saying, “So?” and some of you are saying, “Asshole.” For the latter I want you to know that, as a bleeding heart liberal, I do recognize my hypocrisy in this area. However, it’s hard to give it up, because every once and a while I come across a title that makes me feel better about the relatively tame porno I watch. I know, deep down in my heart, that even some of the nastier movies I’ve seen have absolutely nothing on…

Ear Cum – I don’t know what’s worse, honestly. The fact that someone actually wanted to make a movie called “Ear Cum” of the fact that someone accidently came in a girl’s ear during the shoot and the producer said, “Fuck it, let’s roll with it.”

Here’s the most disturbing thing about “Ear Cum.” Yes, the most disturbing thing. When people sign a contract to star in a porno, the contract explicitly states everything that’s going to happen. No matter the movie, the contract explicitly states every single thing that’s going to be in that scene and how much each thing is going to pay. So some girl sat down and said, “Ok, so what do we have? Oral, $100. That’s fair. Vaginal, $200 – not bad. Anal…oh, I hate anal…but for $500 who can say no? Wait…Randy? This says someone’s going to cum in my ear. Really? Can we put a clause in there that says you’ll cover any related medical costs from the infection? Ok, thanks.”

I’d love to see that contract. Better yet, I’d love to see the contract for the other girl – the one that, according to the wonderful box art, had to lick it out.

Hookers And Blow – I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to do cocaine on video. So either the women in this movie are snorting simulated llallo or their snorting some other white substance. Honestly, I don’t have the stomach to find out so feel free to go and do the research for me.

Again, I find myself asking what’s worse. A fetish movie that caters to people who think alcohol doesn’t lower a woman’s inhibitions enough, a fetish movie that caters to people who really like hookers, or a fetish movie that’s geared towards people who like watching women do things with cum that should really never, ever be done. Look – we evolved from apes, right? We lost a lot of hair that we don’t need in the process. The remaining hair exists solely to keep us warm or to block out foreign particles. If this fetish movie is what I think it is (and I really, really hope it’s not but if it is I just want to say that level of cynicism is kind of expected out of a Bush-era porno) it’s the equivalent of saying, “Fuck you, nature.”

Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator – If marijuana leads to freebasing then Heavy Metal (the movie) leads to Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator. The target demographic for this movie is people who wear their victim’s panties to church. This movie is like the Uwe Boll cut of a Stanley Kubrick movie reimaged by Ed Wood and Russ Meyer’s mentally retarded bastard child. This movie is an amalgamation of every comic book you’ll find when you visit Wizard World Los Angeles’s Artist Alley.

I mean, seriously, who masturbates to this? Can you imagine the guy that’s really into this and he tells his girlfriend, “Hey, honey, I have this movie we should watch together but I’m afraid you won’t be into it.” Of course you can’t imagine it, because the guy that’s into this movie doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Oh, I’ll be posting more of these at a later date. Consider this a new feature.

Labels: humor, nsfw, thesepornosexist

My second video that may or may not be inspired by someone I have to deal with every day.

Labels: humor, specialk, video

A new series based on a certain someone I may or may not know in real life...

Labels: humor, specialk, video

My third movie in the Mr. Lecter series. Enjoy!

Labels: humor, mr. lector, video

(First of all, a quick plug, Mal Jones redesigned the DC Conspiracy site and it's hot. So go check it out.)

The Drunken Wine Critic was something I started early last year, got some great feedback on, and then abruptly stopped doing it in March after filming the fifth episode. People are always asking me when the next one's coming out and I keep telling them, "eventually." This one was a bitch to edit - there was around four hours of footage and I could have easily made an hour-long movie. Of course the rule of the internet is to keep it to five minutes so I had to kill a lot of awesome (embarrassing) footage. Also, after filming this video I spent an additional two hours sitting down in the shower naked, occasionally puking on myself. I don't know if that's an endorsement for Lil' Jonathan wines or what, but watch the movie and decide for yourself. This video is being cross-posted at the Drunken Wine Critic website.

Labels: drunkenwinecritic, humor, video, wine

My second xtranormal video:



The first one's here.

Labels: humor, mr. lector, video

I made this with xtranormal in about five minutes - what a great site! I'll be making more, that's for sure. Also, don't forget - please nominate me for a Bloggie.

Labels: humor, mr. lector, video

I would move to Firenze in a heartbeat. Buy an apartment, get a job whittling wood or something, and spend the rest of my time eating great food and drinking fantastic wines. I'd practically live in museums, I'd bike through the hills of Tuscanny constantly, and I'd walk along the Arno every night without ever worrying about what needs to be done tomorrow.  The problem is, it's difficult to just up and move to Italy. The work visa problem is a bitch and the property thing is a bitch and chances are Robin and I would be kicked the 'f out within several months and I'd have a difficult time regaining my clearance for my good 'ole U.S. of A. job. It's frustrating but it's life.

However, thanks to some famous Russian crackpot Academic who has obviously never been to America a vision of America's future it seems like my Toscana Dream could become a reality as soon as 2010 when the EU takes over Atlantic America. Here's the map (via WSJ):



Nothing wrong with that, right? I mean, sure, within the next two years the US certainly could go completely to shit. And within those same two years the EU could expand their membership beyond "European Nations" and include, you know, anyone who wants to join. And within those same two years the people of Mississippi would become totally cool with Mexican rule. And within those same two years the Mormons of Salt Lake City Utah would gladly give-up their religious freedoms in order to become a part of China. Hawaii going to Japan? Sure - they're both islands and it's not like Japan didn't already kick the shit out of Hawaii - what could possibly go wrong with that? And Alaska going to Russia makes sense because then Sarah Palin actually could see Russia from her house...which will be on Russian land...in case you needed that one explained to you. And within those same two years Montana would...wait...Montana's not part of Canada?

Well, since futurism is all the rage and I know how to color a map here's my take as an American "Academic" on what the US will look like in 2010:



I'm not sure where I'd want to live when this scenario comes true but, as usual, it certainly wouldn't be Kansas.

Labels: humor

Hah, hah – I was prepping an Anal Sex Flowchart for my daily update when I came across Confluence’s “What is a PUMA?” post and decided to forgo talking about anal sex and instead turn my attention to a bunch of people who could just using a good fucking, regardless of what hole it enters.*

Let me start by saying I was directed to Confluence by Wonkette – my favorite website on all the internets which, despite skewering every politician to ever be alive ever, was somehow nominated “Best Liberal Blog” at the 2008 Weblog Awards. I guess sarcasm and hating everyone is a uniquely liberal trait. Their competition includes The Confluence, a site run by the 50 people whose sole purpose in life was to derail the Obama presidency bid because Hillary has a vagina or something. Now they have no purpose so they post horribly photoshopped pictures of Obama wearing pampers (because he needs a "change" they can believe in or some shit). Both of these sites being considered “liberal blogs” makes me wonder if the Weblog Awards even read the sites they’re nominating or if they just nominate sites with decent traffic so that these people would, in turn, link back to the Weblog Awards. Hmmm…

Anyway, I head on over to The Confluence and the first thing I see is a post entitled, “What is PUMA?” I was expecting some simple answer like “An irrelevant organization,” or, “A push-polling organization that captivated the media for three days last year and convinced John McCain that Palin would be a good call,” but I was instead treated to this absolutely fantastic piece of eye-fucking:

I’ll tell you what we’re not. We are not the kind of people who are concerned with whether our vaginas are as fresh and sweet as a Massengill douche.

Excuse me when I say, "OMG, WTF LOL BBQ." So far all I know of the PUMAs, a mother-fucking political organization with their own PAC and everything, is that they have stinky pussies. USA! USA! USA!

But they go on!

Oddly enough, our ability to make noise and vote appear to be independent of our vaginal status. Some of us don’t even HAVE vaginas. {{gasp!}}

I vote with my dick. Physically. I go to the voting machine with a raging erection and poke at the candidate I want. Also, I have to assume that the PUMAs who don't have vaginas have stinky dicks to go with the stinky pussies. I assure you, my dick is clean when I fuck the ballot box - you won't even have to wipe it down if you vote after me. Also, I assume the PUMAs with the stinky dicks are luckless virgins that are trying to fuck the PUMAs with the stinky vaginas. They'd probably be Paultards if that old coot could attract some more trim to his rallies.

But wait! There's more!

We *do*, however, have a Credo*, which is the reason we consider ourselves to be USDA approved prime cut liberals.

Their credo talks about what it is that makes them a democrat which is essentially the same shit that makes me a democrat except, you know, I voted for a fucking democrat and not some old republican in pampers and a vice-president who's only good for changing pampers. Anyway, no mention of Hillary or vaginas or Obama or the fact that PUMA stands for "Party Unity My Ass" in the credo, just something or other about the environment and equality and war being bad. Well, duh.

And then there's the best line of them all:

Oh, and BTW, Wonkette readers, someday, if you’re lucky, you will live long enough to be old. Your tits will sag, your scrotums will lose their perky tautness and young, stupid adolescent males will make fun of you, unless, of course, the PUMAs make them insignificant. Someday, you may thank us.

So, let me get this straight. A PUMA is a person with a stinky vagina (or a chronic masturbater with a stinky dick), that has saggy tits (or a non-perky scrotum...are we measuring scrotum by perkiness now? Because I'm not sure where mine stand on that scale) and is the laughing stock of frat boys who, essentially, laugh at everyone who doesn't wear Hollister and date rape. And because of these things they vote Republican even though they're Democrats.

O.K.





*Sorry to be so crude for this post but it's impossible to keep the sarcasm level down after reading The Confluence. Now go wash your pussy and come back tomorrow for an Anal Sex Flowchart.

Labels: humor, politics

The Holidays are upon us and we don't have enough money to buy presents for anyone so let's all send these free e-Postcards to our friends and families! Click the card you want to send and scratch one more person off of your list!

Labels: humor

So it seems like a lot of folks will be coming to DC for Obama's inauguration. In order to help you all with the ins-and-outs of the area and some insider info on Inauguration Day I made up a nifty little guide. Glad to be of service!

Don’t fear the panhandlers; they’re just looking for some change they can believe in.

If you want to schmooze with senators and lobbyists Nancy Pelosi will be on hand, scalping Inaugural Ball tickets to help pay for the $700-billion bail out.

The traditional 21-gun howitzer salute will seem to have a 22nd shot this year but that last one will actually be Sarah Palin killing the National Zoo’s panda cub, Tai Shan, from her helicopter in accordance with Alaskan law.

The National Mall is miles away from the Pentagon so you’ll be out of harms way in the event Obama’s friend William Ayers tries to take down the government again.

The swearing-in will likely be delayed after Chief Justice John Roberts reads an email that identifies Obama as a Muslim and brings a Quran to the ceremony instead of a Bible.

This may be your last chance to see George W. Bush before he moves on to Stage 5 of his plan to destroy America and seals himself in a panic room until the End of Days.

Secret Service agents will be watching out for terrorists, white supremacists, Hillary Clinton, and other maniacs determined to stop Obama from being sworn in.

John McCain should be in attendance although it’s possible he may spend his entire morning looking for his keys before deciding to stay at home with a bowl of a Weetabix and the latest Pluggers collection.

That crazy old man walking around and telling everyone he’s the reason Obama got elected is actually John Kerry. Give him some chocolate chip cookies and he’ll go away.

In 1977, Jimmy Carter was the first president to walk to the White House from the Capitol steps. Obama is expected to start a new tradition by flying to the White House on a rainbow.

If Obama actually is the Anti-Christ he’ll likely reveal himself during his inaugural address for maximum dramatic effect. The best view of the coming Apocalypse would be from the Jefferson Memorial.

Labels: humor, politics

I've been doing some research into the history of tattooing for a project I'm working on and came across some amazing little facts. Here just a small sample of some of the things I've come across...

In the 1930s, archeologists discovered 12,000-year-old ink bowls and tattoo pens in a cave in Southern France. However, American archeologists refuse to believe that tattooing originated in France since it contradicts the popular Sissy Frenchmen Theory.

In the 1990s archeologists discovered the Ice Man of the Alps, a mummified human from 3,300 BC with tattoos on his lower back. We now know this is the first failed attempt at a “tramp stamp,” a type of tattoo later perfected by 21st-century sorority girls.

The body of Amunet, an Egyptian Priestess, was discovered in the tomb of Pharaoh Mentuhotep. Her body was covered with the names of various men and women, leading to a popular theory that she was the first person to suffer from massive tattoo regret.

Tattoos were reintroduced into popular western culture in 1777 when Captain James Cook’s crew returned from Tahiti with native markings on their bodies. They also returned with the clap, symbolizing the reintroduction of venereal diseases into popular sailor culture.

In 1885, Marion Black got a tribal band tattooed on his bicep. His crew of murdering, thieving, raping outlaws all deemed it “too douchey,” resulting in the style being out of fashion for over a hundred years.

Anthony Michaels was the first person to cover every square-inch of his body with tattoos back in 1952. Halfway through he died from infection while getting his eyeballs tattooed but, as per his will’s instructions, the artist was made to complete the remaining half.

In 2005, Jeb Tyler unseated reigning “Worst Tattoo” champion Mary Bankler by getting a tattoo that made his belly-button look like the Sarlacc Pit from Star Wars. Ironically Mary had the same tattoo, but in a location that allowed her to hide it at the beach.

Labels: humor

I got my hands on a pamphlet going around to corporations that aims to pair hip-hop stars with international advertising campaigns. There were some interesting pieces in there, such as...

“It’s Me, Fifty, On Your Ringtone” By 50-Cent - In a move destined to corner the ringtone market, 50-Cent has agreed to team with Verizon Wireless to produce this track for his newest album, Ringtones. The track will consist of 50-Cent name-dropping the 200 most-popular names in the English language and informing each of them that he’s on their ringtone. Verizon is expected to distribute the song one line at a time.

Sample lyric: “Hey Maria, it’s me. It’s Fitty, on your ringtone.
Hey Brian, it’s me. It’s Fitty, on your ringtone.
Hey Jeremy, it’s me. It’s Fitty on your ringtone.
Hey Paul, it’s me. It’s Fitty on your ringtone”

“How My Dictate?” By Soulja Boy - Soulja Boy’s follow-up to his platinum-selling album souljaboytellem.com (working title: http://www.myspace.com/souljaboytellem) will take his keen sexual innuendo (established with fresh rhymes such as, “superman that ho”) to the next level by asking every dance club across America how his dictates. Already branded “grammatically offensive” by the American Federation of Teachers and “simply offensive” by the National Organization for Women, this track is guaranteed to light up the charts!

Sample lyric: “Hey girl, how my dictate? How my dictate? How my dictate?
Do you understand me?
How my dictate? How my dictate? How my dictate?
Do you get it?
Take this down girl. Take this dic…
…tate. How my dictate? How my dictate?”

“Yankee Doo-Doo’s No Dandy” By new talent Yankee Doo-Doo - We found this young, hip, nine-year old rap prodigy through a “Hot”lanta-based talent agency and he’s going to make the radio stations “Doo Doo” their pants! The first single features a fly beat from hip-hop super-producer Mr. Collipark that mashes up the sound of cash registers, a jet
crashing into an Ethiopian village, and a dope version of the familiar classic “Happy Birthday.” Massive cross-over appeal for that all-too-important youth demographic.

Sample lyric: “That’s Yankee Doo-Doo to you.
That’s Yankee Doo-Doo to you.
That’s Yankee Doo-Doo, I ain’t no dandy.
That’s Yankee Doo-Doo to you.”

Other sneak peeks include the next “Hard Rapper Meets Hollister-wearing Rocker” hit, the next rap/dance move from down in the Dirty South (The Polio), and the newest hip-hop inspired fashion-trend that’s going to have every Chinese sweat-shop's foreman on every American designer's speed-dial.

Labels: humor, music

WASHINGTON, DC -- John McCain is an underdog again but if you were to look at the Maverick you'd hardly see him breaking a sweat. Behind in every national poll with two weeks left to go before Election Day, the McCain campaign is launching a new initiative that's supposed to remind people who Barack Obama really is. The problem is, no-one really knows what John McCain is trying to say.

"Look, I really don't get it, but for some reason it kinda makes sense," says Joseph Hamilton of Western, PA. "I was leaning Obama and then someone gave me this sticker and I was confused, at first, and then I was like, 'Wait, why am I voting Obama?' I'm back on McCain's side again."

Rick Davis, John McCain's campaign manager, acknowledges the purposefully cryptic messages on the bumper stickers and signs being released as part of this new initiative but says, "I think the people will get it. They'll get why Barack Obama cannot be trusted. I think this is the message the McCain campaign should have been sending from Day One. But it's never too late to set the record straight."

"They seem...I don't know. I can't put my finger on it," says David Plouffe, Barack Obama's campaign manager. "I know I should be outraged by these new slogans but, for the life of me, I can't figure out why."

The new signs, bumper stickers, and mouse pads are selling incredibly well in the traditionally red states. "We may just bridge that $400-million gap by simply telling the American people what they've been wanting to hear from us for months," says Davis. "The response has been tremendous and Obama should be spooked by the whole thing," Davis said with an over-the-top wink.

The new slogans (shown below) are available on everything from t-shirts to gun targets and can be purchased at JohnMcCain.com

Labels: humor, politics

I love Conservapedia. In case you’re unfamiliar with this gift to the internet, Conservapedia is just like Wikipedia except they “do not allow liberal bias to deceive and distort” the entries. Also, much like Wikipedia, they do not allow facts to distort the entries (but they spread lies and half-truths in a much funnier fashion). I encourage you to go the site and experience it for yourself. In order to start you off, here are some of my favorite entries that truly show how Conservapedia is the only “encyclopedic resource on the internet that is free of corruption by liberal untruths.”

5 - George W. Bush – It says a lot about George W. Bush’s eventual legacy when a conservative encyclopedia has about a page dedicated to the man.

Conservatives love him. Really.

They simply couldn’t find that many good things to say about him, I guess. They talk about Afghanastan and then reluctantly admit that things might not be going so well anymore. They talk about Iraq, bypass that whole “no WMDs” thing, and then go on a tirade against Democrats for wanting the end the war. They talk about the economy and mention that, “Bush has presided over a period of general economic growth.” There's a little on his family, a little on his faith, and a quick mention of the fact that polls show Bush has the lowest approval rating in history (but it also mentions that the Democrat-controlled congress has a lower approval rating than Bush so, you know, fuck you liberals).

4 - SEX! – Take a look at Conservapedia’s Anatomy category. It seems pretty complete, but there are a couple of important body parts that are kind of missing: the penis, the vagina, and the anus.

Not cool according to conservatives.

There’s an entry on breasts that starts by talking about breastfeeding and breast cancer and then goes into the types of clothes females should wear in order to properly cover their boobs. According to Conservapedia, women can only expose their nipples in public if they’re breastfeeding; it doesn’t say anything about whether or not it’s kosher to squirt in public.

But let’s talk about sex, shall we? There’s a reproduction category that provides brief descriptions of all the main players (except for the penis and the vagina, of course). The only place penises and vaginas are mentioned, in fact, is in the Human Reproduction entry. Have a listen:

“To reproduce successfully, both parties need some degree of sexual arousal - often achieved by foreplay. For the human male, this means a faster heartbeat, the emitting of pre-ejaculatory fluids, the scrotum tightening and retracting towards the thighs and increased blood flow towards the penis - causing it to enlargen, stiffen and rise upwards.

It's like this but not as sexy.

In females, the heartbeat increases, the nipples erect(rise) and vaginal lubrication fluids are emitted from the Bartholin glands, to facilitate intercourse. Eventually, to reproduce, the penis (the male reproductory organ) enters the vagina (female reproductory organ). The male slides the penis in and out until the friction causes an orgasm. The male orgasm is accompanied by several muscular contraction, causing semen to eject through the urethra into the vagina.”

That’s hot. I was masturbating while reading that. Speaking of, guess what word isn’t mentioned even once on Conservapedia? That’s right, masturbation. I guess real conservatives don’t jerk-off. And why would they need to? It sounds like their foreplay is top notch.

3 - Pokemon – Did you know Pokemon is nothing but evolutionist propaganda? Conservapedia does. Pokemon also endorses “non-Godly magic forbidden by the bible [that leaves] children copying the actions of the anime vulnerable to demonic influence.”

Liberal Propaganda.

It also promotes cross-dressing. And, of course, it promotes animal cruelty, something the rest of Conservapedia apparently has no problem with.

The weirdest part of the Pokemon entry is the last bit, where it mentions that the Vatican’s down with Pikachu. No further comment is given. It’s as if the editor's head exploded while attempting to update the entry.

The rest of the manga entries are pretty tame but I noticed they stayed away from Yaoi. I imagine it’s because man-boy love mange hasn’t come on their radar yet.

Also, don’t think that Pokemon is the only pop-culture phenomenon that supports evolution and evil magic. The X-Men also gets called out for promoting the foundations of evolution. And what about Harry Potter? Oh…wait…apparently Harry Potter “includes some aspects that parallel Christianity” and it also “teaches the nobility of meaningful sacrifice.” I think my head’s going to explo…

3 - Universal daycare – It’s such a short entry but I think it successfully sums up Conservapedia. Verbatim:

“Universal daycare is government-provided babysitting for parents who are unable or unwilling to care for their children during the work-day. It also refers to feminist and Communist projects to prevent parents from raising their own children, the rationale being that the government gets a chance to indoctrinate children with ideas which the parents would prefer not to put into their minds.”

A graduate of universal daycare.

In other words, universal daycare is a way for feminists and communists to indoctrinate the children of lazy-ass parents. Why feminists and communists? Well, for that we’d need to go to the short entry on Communism and Feminism that states, “Communism and feminism have some goals in common.” The entry doesn’t really state what those goals are; it just gives a Lenin quote and then says that since “feminism is based on a fallacy [it’s] inextricably linked with socialism.”

Yeah, Conservapedia hates feminists. Part of the justification for the hate can be seen in the Feminist Style entry that states feminists “typically have one or more of the following characteristics” and goes on to list things like a “lack of a sense of humor”, a contempt for housewives and Ann Coulter, an opinion that "all men [are] potential rapists,” and the inability to concede defeat. The best part about the list? Almost all of the entries have a “citation needed” note.

1 - Everything related to homosexuality – Conservapedia’s Homosexuality category is like a goatse-portal of hate. It’s hard to pick one entry and say, “This is one of the ten greatest entries on Conservapedia.”

God hates fat kids, too.

Where does one begin? The Homosexuality entry is the most referenced, well-put-together article I’ve ever seen despite the fact that it’s solely dedicated to proving homosexuality is a reprehensible sin. But then there are so many entries that make you go, “Seriously?” Like Homosexuality and Smoking, Lesbianism and Obesity, and their entry on "Ex-Homosexuals" that attempts to paint supposed “Ex-Homosexuals”* as a persecuted group. Then there is an entry on NAMBLA that classifies the organization as part of the “homosexual agenda”, a scathing entry on San Francisco’s gays and their gay PDAs, and an entry that attempts to prove that there’s nothing wrong with being homophobic because "homophobia" is a term invented by liberals to advance the homosexual agenda. The Log Cabin Republicans entry is on a mission to prove they’re not real Republicans and, just when you thought it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, there’s an entry that attacks Sarah Bernhard, making Conservapedia users the only people in the universe that pay any attention to Sarah Bernhard.

And it’s not just the main entries.

Get your gay hands off of God's rainbow.

References to homosexuality pepper a lot of articles on Conservapedia that have nothing to do with homosexuality. Like the entry on rainbows where, after talking about the scientific and biblical significance of rainbows, the entry ends with a quick, “The rainbow has also been used as a symbol of homosexuality.”

I wonder who updates all of the homosexual references. Ex-homosexuals? Closet homosexuals? Conservatives with asperger syndrome? One thing’s for sure, Conservapedia’s obsession with homosexuality is creepier than Wikipedia’s obsession with Sonic the Hedgehog.


*Speaking of, a friend of mine claims that ex-homosexuals are the best fucks. He says that they know how guilty they’re going to feel about cheating on their girlfriends/wives/etc that they fuck like animals in order to get the most of their “momentary lapse of reason.” Sounds good to me! If I were gay I’d fuck as many ex-homosexuals as I can, I love a good aggressive romp.

Labels: conservapedia, humor, politics

Arlington County was kind enough to send me a payment reminder for my property taxes. They also sent a reminder to 4,508 other people and included all of us in the To: field. Way to go Arlington County!

EDIT: This isn't done yet! Let's reproduce the email...

Dear Sir/Madam

Just a kind remainder that you have personal property tax bills due on 10/6/2008.

You can make these payments by mail or in person.
As an added benefit, you can choose the ease and convenience of paying your bill electronically. Simply logon to Payment Portal.You can not use this system to pay Moving Violations nor Boot and Tow Fees.For payment information regarding Moving Violations, please call 703-228-4485.For prepayable traffic fine information, please call 703-228-4599.For payment information regarding Boot and Tow Fees, please call 703-228-4000 for payment instructions.If you are paying a delinquent utilities bill, upon completion of making your payment, you must call the Utilities Customer Service office at 703-228-6570 during normal business hours.You will need to provide your payment confirmation number to ensure your water service is not discontinued.If your vehicle does not appear on the bill, please go to the payment and register portal and register your vehicle.In some cases, you may receive an email notification for a bill prior to receiving the paper copy in the mail.The payment portal notifications are provided as an additional service and will not replace your paper copy of the bill.

If you believe that you have paid those bills, please ignore the email.

We look forward to serving you online.

Sincerely,
Francis X. O'Lear
Arlington County Treasurer

He said "remainder" instead of "reminder." Oh, and the Arlington County Treasurer is actually Francis X. O'Leary, not Francis X. O'Lear. He spelled his name wrong.

One more edit: Just got the apology email!

Dear Taxpayer:

Unfortunately, an inexperienced but well-meaning County technician recently emailed you a tax reminder and inadvertently listed your email address and those of others. I sincerely apologize for this error and have taken steps to prevent a reoccurrence.

Sincerely,
Frank O'Leary
Treasurer

I feel bad for the inexperienced technician, this is a horrible time to look for a new job. At least Franky got his last name right this time.

Labels: humor

Let's face it - there are a lot of people in this world who die. Often these deaths stem from a complete lack of common sense and can be avoided. I'm launching this "Staying Alive" feature in order to help certain high-risk groups get by on a day-to-day basis. Hopefully, these rules will eventually make it so that none of us will ever have to die.

I'm starting off with gang members, mainly because I've been watching movies like Boyz N The Hood, Menace 2 Society, and Juice lately.

1 – Find cover as soon as you see an El Dorado turn your corner. You can go inside, behind your house, or simply hit the floor if you don’t feel like you can make it to a safe place in time. You shouldn’t wait until the window opens and waiting until the gun emerges from the window is guaranteed death. And don’t run, either. You can’t outrun a car or a bullet – just find cover immediately.

2 – You don’t need to wear your colors if you’re wandering the streets of the ‘hood by yourself. A neutral black shirt and black jeans will not only keep rival gangs from shooting you out of obligation but they’ll also make it difficult for your enemies to see you. If you must, you can wear a red t-shirt under your black shirt and only open up the bottom buttons when you see your homies. But don’t go to the grocery store by yourself drenched in red – that’s just asking for problems.

3 – If you were forced to make a move against a rival gang, resulting in several dead busters, don’t go to your favorite fast food place immediately afterwards. Chances are Fatburger is the first place your enemies will go. If they’re still steamed up from losing several members of their crew odds are diplomacy will be off of the table. Let it all percolate for a couple of days and then see if you can talk it out.

4 – Everyone loves a mascot, but no gang should have a midget or a guy in a wheel chair hanging around. They just slow you down. If you need a mascot, why not an incredibly strong mentally handicapped individual? They’re equally entertaining and if the shit goes down you can simply point them in the direction of the action and watch them hulk out. Plus, I have to imagine that even the most hardened thug would think twice about shooting someone who’s mentally handicapped. Shooting someone with a physical handicap, on the other hand…well that’s just funny no matter who you are!

5 – If your friend is a sociopath he’ll probably end up getting you killed or even killing you himself. Stay away from “that guy” and try to stick with gangs that consist solely of rationally thinking individuals. I mean, when the shit goes down it goes down and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. But if your friend shoots you in the face because you stepped on his sneaker, well, that could have been avoided.

6 – If you find yourself in a real jam and need to get the police involved, always look for a white cop. Black cops hate you and any interaction you have with a black cop will only rile you up and make you do something stupid.

7 – If your friend has the potential to go to school, get a good job, or move out of the ‘hood, encourage him! There may be only a 25% chance of dying in the ‘hood before you hit 21 under normal circumstances, but there’s a 93% of dying if you passed up an opportunity to make something of your life. You don’t want to put your buddy in that situation!

8 – If you’re going to mess with a ho, spend a couple of minutes looking into her background. If her ex-boyfriend is the leader of a rival gang, your attempt at hitting some skins is only going to make things harder on you in the long run.

9 – Throwing a party for your friend who just got released from prison not only encourages his bad behavior but it also gives his enemies a chance to take care of him while he’s inebriated or playing dominoes – and you better believe innocent bystanders will be killed in the process.

10 – If everyone starts moving in slow motion it means something really fucked up is about to happen. Just get out of the area – you don’t want any part in whatever’s about to go down.

Labels: humor, staying_alive

Last week I proposed 10 new questions polling organizations should ask the American People. In an attempt to be a nerd, I put these questions to Captain America to see how he'd respond.

1) Which candidate would you rather see cast as Catwoman in the next Batman film?

Now, now. McCain’s too respectable and Obama’s too uppity to play such an outrageous representation of female empowerment. Can I say Sarah Palin?

2) Which candidate would make a better guest judge on American Idol?

What’s that? A you tube?

3) If you were molested by your uncle as a child, which candidate would you most likely open-up to about the horrible ordeal?

I think Obama’s past as a community organizer makes him qualified to be some sort of hippy “feelings” guy. McCain would likely kill my uncle. I say McCain.

4) If all the physicists were to die tomorrow, which candidate would be better equipped to run the Large Hadron Collider?

Is that the machine Red Skull is using to destroy the world?

5) Which candidate would seem sleazier if her referred to your butthole as a poop shoot?

Obama would…ugh!

6) Which candidate would give a better bedtime reading of Shel Silverstein’s timeless classic The Giving Tree?

…

7) Which candidate is more likely for forward a chain email to 20 friends in exchange for true love and good luck?

…

8) Which candidate would give a better eulogy at your funeral?

Don’t let Tony Stark do it again. He’s a fucking faker.

9) Which candidate would make a better wing man?

I’ll take this one, Zombie Steve. Obama’s a Falcon costume away from being the best possible wing man and soldier.

10) If someone told you that a presidential candidate was beating the shit out of Spencer Pratt, would you a) assume it was John McCain, b) hope it was Barack Obama, or c) just be happy someone’s kicking the shit out of that douche?

I'd shoot him myself.

I’d eat whoever was left.

…

Labels: comics, humor

Two new polls were released today, one where the people choose Barack Obama as the person they’d most want to watch football with and one were parents claim they’d rather have Barack Obama as their child’s teacher. I really don’t know why people don’t respond with, “What the fuck are you talking about?” when asked questions like this, but if the news organizations are going to continue to push conversations about inconsequential stuff I have some ideas for future polls…

1) Which candidate would you rather see cast as Catwoman in the next Batman film?
2) Which candidate would make a better guest judge on American Idol?
3) If you were molested by your uncle as a child, which candidate would you most likely open-up to about the horrible ordeal?
4) If all the physicists were to die tomorrow, which candidate would be better equipped to run the Large Hadron Collider?
5) Which candidate would seem sleazier if her referred to your butthole as a poop shoot?
6) Which candidate would give a better bedtime reading of Shel Silverstein’s timeless classic The Giving Tree?
7) Which candidate is more likely for forward a chain email to 20 friends in exchange for true love and good luck?
8) Which candidate would give a better eulogy at your funeral?
9) Which candidate would make a better wing man?
10) If someone told you that a presidential candidate was beating the shit out of Spencer Pratt, would you a) assume it was John McCain, b) hope it was Barack Obama, or c) just be happy someone’s kicking the shit out of that douche?

For the record, my answers would be:
1) McCain
2) McCain
3) Obama
4) Obama
5) McCain
6) Obama
7) McCain
8) Obama
9) McCain (Obama would be a total cock-block)
10) I’d assume it was John McCain, hope it was Obama, and try to find out where it’s all going down so I can get a couple of shots in.

Labels: humor, politics

I’m convinced that 99% of the people who come to my website via Google do not find what they’re looking for. I feel bad – I understand how frustrating it could be to scour the web for some piece of information and come up blank. I want to help these people, so I’m going to look at the search terms that people used to get to my site today and try to give them the information they need.

1. sarah palin field dressing a moose spoof

My website’s main page is currently the #7 spot on Google for this term. Mr. Google Searcher, you really don’t need to find a spoof of Sarah Palin field dressing a moose – the material works entirely on its own.

2. postcards: true stories that never happened

You can find Postcards: True Stores That Never Happened at a Barnes & Nobles near you. It’ll be in the clearance section or on special order.

3. where does"lets get some sandwiches" come from

I’m apparently the #2 source on all the internets for this term. My blog post dedicated to 1980s Hip-Hop rapper Special Ed is where this particular searcher ended up. Mr. Google Searcher, I hope you now appreciate the fly rhymes of Special Ed and no longer care about sandwiches or where they come from. However, if you do still care, allow me to be the first to inform you that you are hopelessly lost, as “Let’s get sandwiches” is not a phrase of note, only turning up 9 hits on Google. It is not a phrase if it’s only been used 9 times. It comes from nowhere. If you want, you can even claim it as your own phrase.

4. turning age 21

The internet is broke – I’m apparently #2 for this phrase, as well. It links to my story about the ramifications of turning 21. It’s basically a story about how I turned into the alcoholic I am today. The origin of my beer gut. The reason why I occasionally pass out during sex and apologize the next morning.

OK…maybe you found what you were looking for with that one.

5. jason the sex talker

Hah! #1!!!!! A story about one of my earlier sexual escapades where I told a girl to “Shut the fuck up” halfway through. In the blog post I go on to say how pathetic that particular evening was but you don’t care about any of that, Mr. Google Searcher – you just want to know how Jason the Sex Talker used to handle the ladies. My methods have changed a bit from High School – now I say things like, “Are you tired? Because if you’re tired we can always just do it tomorrow,” or, “I’ll just be a couple of minutes, promise.” Jason the Sex Talker has come a long way.

6. butch lesbian haircuts

Quite a ways down the Google list on this one but Mr. Google Searcher was treated to a story about a blow-up doll I had in college. I don’t know if I can joke about this without being deemed insensitive but if I could I’d probably say some dated political joke about Heather Poe designed to make the GOP look like a bunch of hypocrites.

7. paul jason rodriguez 9/11

#1!!!!! You’d think Giuliani’s MySpace page would be #1 for all phrases including 9/11. Suck it, Giuliani! Anyway, even though you somehow made it my page, I imagine you were trying to get here. Have fun!

8. orphaned moose follows home september 16 2008

#1 again! You’d think I was paying Google for this. I really don’t know what you’re looking for, but since September 16th is only five days after September 11th, I imagine you were looking for this page. Have fun!

Labels: google, humor

A couple of months ago the New York Times included me in a fluff-piece on Google Twins. Gawker poked fun at the article in a post that ended with, “So screw you, ‘Jon Lee’ and ‘Jason Rodriguez.’” Being mentioned on Gawker was probably the second greatest moment of my life (unless they were talking about some other Jason Rodriguez), right behind the LA Times reviewing Postcards: True Stories That Never Happened and treating it as if it was supposed to be a long-lost project discovered on Luis Buñuel’s estate.

So why do I bring this up? Because I just discovered there’s another Jason Rodriguez in town, and this one is dangerously close to my brand.

Look, no-one’s confusing me with Jason Rodriguez, stuntman extraordinaire. No-one’s confusing me with the Jason Rodriguez from marketingwire.net. Nor is anyone confusing me with the Jason Rodriguez who got a 26-year prison sentence for stealing some ice cream cones. But this new Jason Rodriguez (owner of http://www.jasonrodriguez.net, just a .com away from my domain) is really pushing it. His website, which is dedicated to his “Art & Design” portfolio, shows that he’s encroaching on my position as Comic’s Jason Rodriguez. Maybe “Art & Design” and “comics” are still several degrees removed but what if he starts doing design work or lettering for comics? What if he becomes known as Comics’ Other Jason Rodriguez or, worse yet, Comics’ Attractive Jason Rodriguez? Seriously, look at this guy:



That’s one good-looking guy. He has more hair than me, his beard fits him better, and he obviously weighs less than me. He’s the kind of guy that used to whip out his acoustic guitar during home room, guaranteeing him a shot at the prom queen if he wasn’t already going with the hippy chick. I can’t compete with that! Look at me:



I’m the guy that had a second serving of chili in high school. I’m the guy that was loitering outside of the girls’ bathroom.

Fuck - MY COLLAR IS POPPED IN THAT PICTURE!

This is troubling me. I hope this new Jason Rodriguez stays away from my Podunk medium. Seriously, all the best to him, I hope he’s fast-tracked to working full-time for The New Yorker. Because, if not, it’s only a matter of time before I take on the moniker of Comics’ Hideous Jason Rodriguez.

Labels: editorial, humor

The 2008 election relies on one of the fundamental requirements of superhero comis: a willing suspension of disbelief. It has been a topsy-turvy cluster-fuck of an election that would never fly as nonfiction. If Grant Morrison (one of our most existential and Dadaistic writers) was to have a baby with Mark Millar (one of our most ham-fisted action-minded writers) and that baby was to grow up and become a comic writer, said baby wouldn’t even be able to write a fictional comic book storyline on par with the 2008 election. But is a willing suspension of disbelief enough to make the 2008 election a superhero comic? I think there would be several key changes to move the election to the comic world, primarily with the back stories and motivations of our main political players. For instance…

Barack Obama
The young politician with a promising future. The black son of a single parent. The ability to excite the poor and disenfranchised, the minorities and the young. Barack Obama is the living embodiment of the American Promise that inspires people to reach their full potential and love what this country could be someday.
In superhero comics, Barack Obama would be…
…the king of a fictional African Kingdom. In comics, black heroes are either reformed street thugs that stick to their neighborhoods (Luke Cage) or African royalty (Black Panther). And, in Storm’s case, she’s African royalty that became a common street thug that became a hero that became African royalty. If Obama was a comic book hero he’d have went to live with his dad in Kenya, only to find out later on that he’s the rightful heir of some secret kingdom.

John McCain
The war hero. He spent five-and-a-half years in a POW camp, undergoing endless torture, all-the-while refusing to cave to the demands of his ruthless captors. He came back to the states and thrust himself into politics, never tiring in his work for this country; he’s on a mission to reform a corrupt political system.
In superhero comics, John McCain would be…
…a super villain. It would be revealed in the third act and the presidency would not be decided by a vote, it would be decided by blood. In comics, tortured souls move on to become sympathetic villains, the kind that see the error of their ways and then sacrifice themselves to save the world from their own doomsday device. John McCain would follow the Magneto model; a concentration camp survivor who saw how evil the world could be and said, “Fuck it – I’m going to kill every last one of these mother fuckers.”

Sarah Palin
Say what you will about her politics – Sarah Palin is the first women to excite 50% of America’s white males WITHOUT being on a “Chicks With Guns”-style calendar. She’s ambitious, fast-tracked to be a power player in American politics, plays well to crowds, and electrifies audiences in a way that has made it almost impossible for Democrats to attack her.
In superhero comics, Sarah Palin would be…
…raped or murdered. I know that sounds horrible but violence against women is all-the-rage in comics. It sometimes feels like editorial sits down and says, “Hey, we need something to kick-off this big summer event – who haven’t we raped yet?” Sarah Palin could also be the bad-ass femme-fatal with two swords and a tight body suit but few characters get there without being raped, molested, or beaten to a bloody pulp by an ex-boyfriend.

Joe Biden
The longtime senator from Delaware. The champion of liberal values and ideals. The man who tries to keep politics front-and-center and often berates his opponents’ media-plays with snappy one-liners. He’s the elder statesman, the Wiseman, the person you’d rely on to do what it takes to get the job done, even if that means going against popular opinion.
In superhero comics, Joe Biden would be…
…the Canadian Prime Minister, a super villain, or an assassinated Senator. It’s hard to tell where Biden would go. If the writer were to stick to the Biden-script he’d either be a foreign politician (because there are few incorrupt American politicians in comics) or an assassinated Senator (because the incorrupt American politicians are killed in the first act).The other option would be to make him a super villain, hiding his true motives until the third act, much like McCain. The only reason I’m leaning away from this option, however, is because Biden wasn’t tortured in his younger years.

There’d be some other, minor changes, if the 2008 election took place in the superhero comics-world. Fox News would be Faux News and MSNBC would be MSDNC. Hillary Clinton would walk around kicking guys in their balls every issue and Bill would spend most of the time in his boxer shorts. Huckabee would be the leader of a cult and Mitt Romney would actually be a robot. Finally, Joe Lieberman would be a traitor to his party and commit career suicide during a nationally televised event…oh…wait…

Labels: comics, editorial, humor, politics

Let’s face it – the eventual movie based on the 2008 election has Oscar bait written all-over it. I decided to do Hollywood a favor and cast the main players using my favorite tool: The MyHeritage.com Celebrity Matches function. Let’s just get right to it.

We’ll start with everyone’s favorite veep, Sarah Palin:



I think MyHeritage hit the nail on the head with Raquel Welch but Beyonce is guarenteed to bring in that big money. I say we get something right when it comes to VP-selection and give Palin the "bootylicious" makeover so American audiences can "come over and check up on it." Now let's look at McCain:




Jack Nicholson is an inspired choice and he has my vote, mainly because we know how well Jack can do "bat-shit fucking insane." I do have to wonder if they chose Vin Diesel as an option because he looks like McCain or because he's the one celebrity tough enough to undergo five and a half years of torture? Anyway, it's Biden time!



John Denver. Next!



Listen, I'm not the one that put five white guys up there, MyHeritage.com is to blame for that. Anyway, since Heath and Welles are dead I'm going to have to go with Colin Farrell. But what about the supporting cast? What would this movie be without Hillary Clinton?




Apparently Hillary has a face for radio or 1950s TV/movies. I'm going with Meatloaf on this one, I think he can pull it off. Our current Emperor, George W. Bush!



Yitzhak Rabin won't be available so I say we just cast Bush as himself - it's not like he'll be doing much anyways. And how about our favorite elitist media personality Keith Olbermann?



I wonder if Tesla would be willing to come out of his resurrection chamber (which he no doubt invented) and comb that part out of his hair? Maybe we can get Bowie to play Tesla playing Olbermann? Papa Bear!



If Yitzhak Rabin was available for Bush I'd cast Shimon Peres or Ariel Sharon for O'Reilly, just to show my support for Israel. Since that's not an option, I'll go with Leonard Cohen in the hopes of getting him to record the soundtrack. Finally, for the hunting scenes, we'll need someone to play the polar bear Sarah Palin will slaughter in the first act.



David Hasselhoff it is, and I hope they use live bullets.

Labels: editorial, humor, politics

Tonight’s the final night of the RNC, “Party Night” as some folks like to call it. This is the night when the champagne is consumed, the women show off their cleavage, and the men put on their granny panties. One night every four years America’s elite retire to their hotel rooms with their future knocked-up brides for a night of breeding and kink. I’m posting a couple of quick RNC-approved pick-up lines so that no-one’s left out in the cold (or, even worse, trolling for sex in the men’s room).

“Why would we waste time prospecting for oil when I can oil up and then go prospecting instead?”

“I want to film a movie so nasty that the liberal media won’t even be able to comment on it.”

(While tapping your foot against a member of the opposite sex’s foot) “It’s like that, except we can get married afterward.”

“Thank God your mother adhered to pro-life values.”

“It’s an IED with a biological component and I’m using it to declare a fatwah on your pussy.”

“All this talk of torture has gotten me all worked up!”

“Let’s pretend you're Alaska and lay some pipe.”

“Hey, can you do me a favor? I need to prove to my minister that I cured the gay…”

“You’re a virgin? Don’t sweat it; with my brains and your lack of experience we can make a Republican Obama.”

“Not even Michael Moore would try and control this gun, baby.”

“I don’t normally do this but Palin has me feeling empowered...would you put your baby in me?”

“You may think the bulge in my pants is evolving but it’s actually being subconsciously designed.”

“I just deforested down there.”

“Honey, I swallow it all. There’s no child left behind.”

“I have oxycotton, a bald eagle, and some Anne Coulter slash fiction back in my room.”

Feel free to take what you want or come up with your own! And have fun, you crazy kids!

Labels: editorial, humor, politics

I'm revolutionizing the LOLCats genre with this one.

Edit: And another one.

Labels: humor, video

I had friends in town this weekend. We drove up to Baltimore on Friday for the Orioles/Yanks game. Saturday afternoon was spent at the Crime & Punishment Museum before getting dinner at Hooters (it was meant to be an ironic visit but the food was good enough to sap the irony out of the trip). We went out dancing Saturday evening, the crew made their way to The Shadow Lounge, DC’s version of a pretentious club complete with red carpets, Europeans, and high-priced drinks. They played too much pop music, though, and hardly played a single house song. How the hell do you dance to Kelly Clarkson? But Sunday…Sunday was the day the champions came out as we celebrated the end of the Olympics by inventing six new events. You should start practicing now; these will be the hot events at London 2012 and likely your last chance at Olympic gold.

The Torpedo – Go as far you can underwater using only one push off of the wall and one stroke. Ciro came in first place, setting the world record by making it to the 4.5’ marker plus an additional four tiles. I made it two tiles over the 4.5’ marker and silvered.

The Toe Thrust – Position yourself as if you were sitting with your legs crossed, lean forward so that all ten toes are touching the floor, put your hands behind your back, and then race your opponents by thrusting yourself forward using only your toes. I got the gold medal in this event; no-one stood a chance.

The Forward Crawl – Do a handstand underwater and then move forward. It’s harder than it looks. The gold went to Kate, who took/fell forward several feet.

The Headstand – Do a headstand underwater. I went first and I now have a huge scrape on my forehead. Apparently you should do a handstand first and then lower yourself onto your head. Regardless, everyone else opted out of the event after they saw my Gorbachev and I got the gold.

The Feet First – Float on your back and swim the length of the pool feet first. Gennaro dusted all of us for the gold and I was disqualified after I sucked in too much water, choked, and gave up.

Body Skating – One person lays on the bottom of the pool like a skateboard and someone else stands on his back and does various tricks. The Gennaro/Ciro team managed to pull off a kick-flip and an ollie-impossible for the gold.

There you have it. I took home two golds and decent flesh wound, making my household proud.

Labels: humor

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