Out Bible 'em

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

The anti-gay marriage squad really have four verses they rely on as proof that God totally hates the gays. These verses are:

Lev. 18:22, "You shall not lie with a male as one lies with a female; it is an abomination."

Lev. 20:13, "If there is a man who lies with a male as those who lie with a woman, both of them have committed a detestable act; they shall surely be put to death. Their blood guiltness is upon them"

For starters - Leviticus is a total fucking joke in the bible world. Leviticus is the Old Testament's version of that crazy homeless guy in your neighborhood who screams shit at the top of his lungs while listening to a Sony Walkman. I'm pretty sure breathing is an abomination in Leviticus so, you know, good luck with that shit. And then we have good 'ole Paul:

1 Cor. 6:9-10, "Or do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, shall inherit the kingdom of God."

Rom. 1:26-28, "For this reason God gave them over to degrading passions; for their women exchanged the natural function for that which is unnatural, and in the same way also the men abandoned the natural function of the woman and burned in their desire toward one another, men with men committing indecent acts and receiving in their own persons the due penalty of their error. And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God any longer, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do those things which are not proper."

And that's all they got. Out of thousands of pages a handful of sentences that somehow translate to ZOMG JESUS HATES FAGS YOU FUCKING FAG NO YOU CAN'T MARRY!!!111

Prop-8: The Musical tried to pick apart the Leviticus quotes and more power to them but, end of the day, no Christian of Moral Stature gives a shit about Leviticus. It's Paul, baby. Paul and Revelations - that's what a Good Christian cares about. So let's go to Paul, and see how we can out-bible these cunts. Here are some God Approved lines you can use to counter the bible-thumpers - and they're all from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians!

1 Cor. 7:1, "Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry."

1 Cor. 7:8, "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am."

1 Cor. 7:25-28, "Now about virgins: I have no command from the Lord, but I give a judgment as one who by the Lord's mercy is trustworthy. Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are. Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife. But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this."

11 Cor. 7:32-35, "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife— and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband. I am saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way in undivided devotion to the Lord."

Here's the truth, kids. Paul hedges the SHIT out of his bets. Paul honest-to-God woke up everyday and thought that Jesus was going to come back YESTERDAY and KILL HIM so, you know, you might as well not do anything that could in any way be moderately offensive to God. INCLUDING MARRIAGE OF ANY KIND. So, if you want to be so true to Paul, you probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. Man-man, woman-woman, man-woman, man-dog, whatevs - all marriage is KIND OF FUCKED UP.

And then there's the issue of who really wrote the letters from Paul, whether it was actually Paul or Paul just signed off on letters drafted from his mission. The tone and advice varies wildly from letter to letter and who knows if the homosexual stuffs was just an edit from a self-hating closeted homosexual. The two quotes these nutcases use could be the equivalent of a $148,950 earmark for the Montana Sheep Institute. Of course, that argument would never win because it uses LOGIC.

So out bible them. Now go forth and preach the gospel.


posted by Jason at 1 Comments


Blogger Flipper said...

Paul was the fuckin' walrus, dude. And that's the gayest-ass marine mammal out there.

7:50 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home

jason rodriguez is an eisner and harvey-nominated editor and writer. email him. or become his digital BFF below:

follow JayRodriguez at http://twitter.com

Jason Rodriguez's Facebook profile

This is a Flickr badge showing public photos and videos from Eximious Pictures. Make your own badge here.

a few of my favorite things
barack obama cracked salon slate funny or die arlington libraries quarterdeck italy trickster bethesda writer's center sam cooke road trip america new york mets bell's two-hearted ale heidelberg pastry shoppe arrowine busboys & poets greenberry's arlington hard times cafe rhodeside grill ray's the steaks arlington cinema & draft house mediabistro galaxy hut washington post young liars scalped cotes du rhone cafe asia smithsonian institution san deigo five guys burgers and fries puma definitive jux dan the automator prince paul dj bc thomas pynchon william faulkner orson welles tallula rfd perry bible fellowship nerve big brothers/big sisters rebel xti

Previous Posts