Flashing #33: A Comedy of Manners

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why you don't plot, plan, and write your daily story after putting down a six-pack of strong beer. I don't know if this is good or not - it's certainly vulgar - and it's kind of fun to read...but good? We'll see. 

And it even ties to the original memoir! The perception of an empty life! Despite how much I drank I actually made an effort to stick to the rules, unlike yesterday's Sword and Planet story that I wrote completely sober and said, "Fuck the rules." 

Anyway, enjoy today's piece. Sheakspeare would be proud... 

More Flashing can be found on the main page.

____________________ 

Celeste: Darling, you simply have to tell me – what is Tyler like in the evenings, if you know what I mean? 

Luna: Tyler? Oh, dear, he’s like a pinch of cocaine. He gets me going in no time and leaves me wanting more after ten minutes. I’m tired of the old stud. He has one muscle worth mentioning and it doesn’t make for entirely impressive conversation after the deed. 

Celeste: Oh, darling, you are just so wrong. 

Luna: Is a girl wrong for wanting more than 15-minutes of thrusting? 

Celeste: Oh, darling, of course not! That’s why God invented fuck machines. 

(Luna and Celeste laugh uncontrollably) 

Luna: Celeste, dear, I was thinking. Why don’t we ever sleep together? 

Celeste: Because we don’t share the same man, darling! 

(Luna and Celeste laugh while stroking each other’s hair) 

Luna: Oh, Celeste, dear, you’re such a riot! Not sleep sleep – why don’t we ever, you know, dear, go downtown together? 

Celeste: Because, Luna, darling, tbecause your downtowndoesn't have great deals on shoes! 

Luna: Don’t kid now, dear. The shoes may not be the best but I can show you some great deals on snatch-el. 

(Celeste stares at Luna, confused) 

Celeste: I don’t get that one, darling. 

Luna: Oh, dear, you are such a lame dick. Just think of a satchel, like a purse. Except I said snatch-el, like my snatch. 

Celeste: Oh, Luna, darling, that is simply splendid. And incredibly convoluted! 

Luna: Oh, Celeste, dear, that observation was completely ham-fisted! 

Celeste: Speaking of fisting, dear, what say you get busy with this bottle of lube. Remember, start with one… 

Luna: …while licking the bum! 

Celeste: Move on to two… 

Luna: …who needs to screw? 

Celeste: Three is too much for some… 

Luna: …but it makes me cum! 

Celeste: But wait! Here’s four… 

Luna: We’re almost there, one more! 

Celeste: All five are in! 

Luna: And thank God for that gin! 

Celeste: And now we’re up to the wrist… 

Luna: …give it a good twist! 

Celeste: Hey! Where’d my elbow go? 

Luna: Deep inside this horny little ho! 

Celeste: I am a nasty little pit, ain't I?

Luna: Hah hah, darling – you gave me a good ribbing, there. 

Celeste: Speaking of, dear, pull your hand out a bit – I believe your wedding ring is scratching my ribs. 

Luna: Oh my! I didn’t even realize I went all the way to my shoulder! 

Celeste: Don't worry, darling - you look great with me on.

Luna: Oh, dear, we are so fashionable. 

Celeste: Indeed, you’re like an accessory. A sopping wet accessory that’s stuck on my arm. 

Luna: Like a wet muff! 

Celeste: In more ways than one, darling. 

(Luna and Celeste laugh so hard they start to vomit blood) 

Luna: Oh dear! I do believe I laughed so hard that I got my mouth period. 

Celeste: And we seem to be on the same cycle! 

(The two girls laugh again. More blood comes out) 

Luna: So tell me, Celeste, dear, did you like the way it felt when I had my fist so far up your twat that I was able to take the staples out of your stomach? 

Celeste: I’ll be honest with you, darling, even with an entire arm up my cunt I still felt empty. 

Luna: How’s that even possible, dear? 

Celeste: It’s hard to explain, darling. 

Luna: Is it because you were cheating on your husband? In theory, of course. 

Celeste: No, darling. I don’t think that’s it. 

Luna: Is it because you were cheating on your lover? 

Celeste: Julio? Oh, darling, I don’t even think of that brute unless he’s plowing my ass by the pool. 

Luna: Is it because you’re generally a vacuous human being? You may have grown up a humble little tart on the prairies of Kansas but when you were a teen your mother groomed you from early on to be an uptight socialite with no sense of self worth or purpose. You go through life with a vicodin-glaze in your eyes and your mouth emits a constant plume of martini-toxins. You married a man for money, you took a boyfriend for sex, and you created a cause for self-gratification. You never really cared about anyone, not even yourself, and no-one’s ever really cared about you, including me. None of this stuff bothers me, however, because I realize I’m the same exact way and if you realize your shortcomings it becomes so much easier to ignore them. However, every so often, you get a slight reminder of why you hate so deeply, and you find yourself swelled up with sadness and regret. Is that why you feel empty? 

Celeste: No, darling, I believe it’s because your other fist wasn’t in my ass! 

Luna: Of course, dear.

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