Flashing #25: Libertarian Science Fiction

I saw this Wikipedia entry and inspiration kicked me in the balls: “What would the Star Trek Universe look like if the world was run by Libertarians?” I took the crew we know and love and placed them in a world run by incompetent corporations and angry white men. This was A LOT of fun to write.

It ties to the original memoir in two ways. First I went all meta. Libertarians wanting the world to be different only to realize some things work the way they are. I also took the idea of Europeans looking down on stupid Americans and twisted it into alien races looking down on stupid Earthlings. And, once again, this was A LOT of fun to write.

If you want more Flashing stories, beam yourself on over to the main page. Provided your transporter’s working, of course.

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The Worst Spaceship In The Universe

Kirk kicks the console and spits on the main viewer. He debates looking at the manual one last time before throwing it across the bridge and collapsing on the floor. He looks around the metal monstrosity he’s been supplied, defeated. He pulls out his blaster, fully prepared to vaporize everything on the Enterprise.

Spock puts his hands on his captains shoulder. “That wouldn’t be wise, James.” The crew is full of angst, at the rate things are going they’ll never make it to the Titan Council in time. For the first time in over a century Earth will not be present at the Intergalactic Summit.

“This fucking thing’s a piece of shit, Spock!”

“Call Montgomery again. See if he’s learned anything.” Spock tries to hide his own frustration but even his steadfast patience is running thin.

Kirk hits the com and calls down to engineering “Scotty?”

The com is silent; not even static. Uhura summons all of her courage and delivers the bad news to her captain, “James…the com’s down.”

“Mother fucker!” James gets off of the floor and stomps towards the turbolift. He’ll have to walk to engineering today.
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“Scotty – what the fuck is going on? Did you call tech support yet?”

Scotty come up from under the antimatter fill port, his uniform filthy with grease and radiation, his hair frazzled and burnt beyond repair.

“I’m on the phone with the shitheads, James. Those fucks piped me through to some no-nothings in goddamn India. I’m trying to get someone who…yes? Hello? Hi, this is Montgomery Scott of the…what? No, I don’t have a case number. No! Wait! Don’t...mother fucking fucks! Fuck! They’re probably putting me back through to India, now, James - I have no idea how long this shit’s gonna take!”

“Fuck!” Kirk punches at the air. The air supplies little resistance. “Scotty, look, I need you to call me a fucking spacecab and…”

“What’s that James?”

“I said I need you to call me a mother fucking space cab and…”

Scotty taps his ear and shuts his eyes tight. Minutes pass without the two men saying a word to each other. When Scotty finally speaks his voice is several orders of magnitude higher than it should be. “James…I’m sorry. I think I forgot to pay my monthly cochlear implant fee. I can’t hear shit.”

Kirk just stares at his old friend and fights the urge to strangle him. “Goddamn it, Scotty! Autopayment! AUTOPAYMENT! I’ll have Janice call MedTronics and see if they can send Bones over. We let that subcontract run dry so I’m not sure if they’ll be a contracting vehicle for them. FUCK!”

James runs back to the turbolift. Time is short and his options are limited.
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“Janice, I need you to call Chekov and see if he can send a cab here ASAP.”

“How am I supposed to…”

“I don’t give a SHIT, Janice. Find a way to get in touch with that fucking backstabber and get me a ride to Titan. Now.”

Spock walks over to Kirk and tries to meet the broken man's eyes. “James, I need to go with you.”

Kirk’s voice is tired. He tugs on his thinning hair and tries to let his second-in-command down as easily as he can. “Spock – if we don’t have the Enterprise with us we’ll have to get hotel rooms. And Starfleet Incorporated’s per diem allowance for this conference doesn’t really allow for two hotel rooms. Sorry, old friend.”

Spock takes a deep breath and reaches into his uniform. “I was afraid you’d say that, James.” He pulls a piece of paper from his shirt and hands it to Kirk.

“What the fuck is this?”

“My resignation letter, James. I’m taking a job with StarCore. They have a lot more resources and private invest…”

“StarCore? Fucking StarCore! Spock, you can’t do this to me, man! I’m three years out from retirement – I fucking need you!”

For the first time in as long as James knew him, Spock smiles. “Sorry, old friend, but you and this whole fucking company can get bent. I’m out of here.”

Kirk screams a chain of obscenities at his science officer. Spock responds by throwing up a middle finger as he exits the bridge.
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“Where to, buddy?” The spacecab is damp and smells like Romulan feces.

“Titan. And make it quick, ok?”

The ship exits earth’s orbit as the driver readies the warp drive. Kirk feels something wet on his ass and doesn’t even bother moving over. “Hey – do you know Chekov?”

“Yeah, he’s a good guy.”

“Good guy, that prick used to work for me. That mother fucker probably sabotaged our ship before starting your bullshit company so we’d have to use his fucking spacecabs.”

“Whatever buddy. Sit tight, we’ll be there in five minutes.”
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Kirk always feels like an idiot at these things. All of the other civilizations that come have the latest and greatest in everything and he’s lucky if his belt buckle isn’t broken. The Klingons and the Vulcans and the Romulans are all grouped together, they whisper and point at Kirk as he walks in. “I wonder who paid his bill to come here,” they say to each other.

Kirk picks up his conference proceedings and welcome packet and goes straight to his hotel room. He’s had it with all of these idiots and do-gooders.

In his room he cracks open the minibar and turns on the hologram. He orders a porno, slips out of his soiled uniform, and masturbates wildly while watching a green woman go down on a blue one. Two minutes in his dick goes limp, and Kirk realizes he forgot to pay his monthly erectile dysfunction bill.

“Mother fucker!” he says, holding his flaccid cock in his hand.

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