NSFW: These Pornos Exist

These Pornos Exist

Yeah, I like the occasional porno. Some of you are saying, “So?” and some of you are saying, “Asshole.” For the latter I want you to know that, as a bleeding heart liberal, I do recognize my hypocrisy in this area. However, it’s hard to give it up, because every once and a while I come across a title that makes me feel better about the relatively tame porno I watch. I know, deep down in my heart, that even some of the nastier movies I’ve seen have absolutely nothing on…

Ear Cum – I don’t know what’s worse, honestly. The fact that someone actually wanted to make a movie called “Ear Cum” of the fact that someone accidently came in a girl’s ear during the shoot and the producer said, “Fuck it, let’s roll with it.”

Here’s the most disturbing thing about “Ear Cum.” Yes, the most disturbing thing. When people sign a contract to star in a porno, the contract explicitly states everything that’s going to happen. No matter the movie, the contract explicitly states every single thing that’s going to be in that scene and how much each thing is going to pay. So some girl sat down and said, “Ok, so what do we have? Oral, $100. That’s fair. Vaginal, $200 – not bad. Anal…oh, I hate anal…but for $500 who can say no? Wait…Randy? This says someone’s going to cum in my ear. Really? Can we put a clause in there that says you’ll cover any related medical costs from the infection? Ok, thanks.”

I’d love to see that contract. Better yet, I’d love to see the contract for the other girl – the one that, according to the wonderful box art, had to lick it out.

Hookers And Blow – I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to do cocaine on video. So either the women in this movie are snorting simulated llallo or their snorting some other white substance. Honestly, I don’t have the stomach to find out so feel free to go and do the research for me.

Again, I find myself asking what’s worse. A fetish movie that caters to people who think alcohol doesn’t lower a woman’s inhibitions enough, a fetish movie that caters to people who really like hookers, or a fetish movie that’s geared towards people who like watching women do things with cum that should really never, ever be done. Look – we evolved from apes, right? We lost a lot of hair that we don’t need in the process. The remaining hair exists solely to keep us warm or to block out foreign particles. If this fetish movie is what I think it is (and I really, really hope it’s not but if it is I just want to say that level of cynicism is kind of expected out of a Bush-era porno) it’s the equivalent of saying, “Fuck you, nature.”

Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator – If marijuana leads to freebasing then Heavy Metal (the movie) leads to Zuma: Tales of a Sexual Gladiator. The target demographic for this movie is people who wear their victim’s panties to church. This movie is like the Uwe Boll cut of a Stanley Kubrick movie reimaged by Ed Wood and Russ Meyer’s mentally retarded bastard child. This movie is an amalgamation of every comic book you’ll find when you visit Wizard World Los Angeles’s Artist Alley.

I mean, seriously, who masturbates to this? Can you imagine the guy that’s really into this and he tells his girlfriend, “Hey, honey, I have this movie we should watch together but I’m afraid you won’t be into it.” Of course you can’t imagine it, because the guy that’s into this movie doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Oh, I’ll be posting more of these at a later date. Consider this a new feature.

Labels: humor, nsfw, thesepornosexist

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