2008 Election: The Comic Book

The 2008 election relies on one of the fundamental requirements of superhero comis: a willing suspension of disbelief. It has been a topsy-turvy cluster-fuck of an election that would never fly as nonfiction. If Grant Morrison (one of our most existential and Dadaistic writers) was to have a baby with Mark Millar (one of our most ham-fisted action-minded writers) and that baby was to grow up and become a comic writer, said baby wouldn’t even be able to write a fictional comic book storyline on par with the 2008 election. But is a willing suspension of disbelief enough to make the 2008 election a superhero comic? I think there would be several key changes to move the election to the comic world, primarily with the back stories and motivations of our main political players. For instance…

Barack Obama
The young politician with a promising future. The black son of a single parent. The ability to excite the poor and disenfranchised, the minorities and the young. Barack Obama is the living embodiment of the American Promise that inspires people to reach their full potential and love what this country could be someday.
In superhero comics, Barack Obama would be…
…the king of a fictional African Kingdom. In comics, black heroes are either reformed street thugs that stick to their neighborhoods (Luke Cage) or African royalty (Black Panther). And, in Storm’s case, she’s African royalty that became a common street thug that became a hero that became African royalty. If Obama was a comic book hero he’d have went to live with his dad in Kenya, only to find out later on that he’s the rightful heir of some secret kingdom.

John McCain
The war hero. He spent five-and-a-half years in a POW camp, undergoing endless torture, all-the-while refusing to cave to the demands of his ruthless captors. He came back to the states and thrust himself into politics, never tiring in his work for this country; he’s on a mission to reform a corrupt political system.
In superhero comics, John McCain would be…
…a super villain. It would be revealed in the third act and the presidency would not be decided by a vote, it would be decided by blood. In comics, tortured souls move on to become sympathetic villains, the kind that see the error of their ways and then sacrifice themselves to save the world from their own doomsday device. John McCain would follow the Magneto model; a concentration camp survivor who saw how evil the world could be and said, “Fuck it – I’m going to kill every last one of these mother fuckers.”

Sarah Palin
Say what you will about her politics – Sarah Palin is the first women to excite 50% of America’s white males WITHOUT being on a “Chicks With Guns”-style calendar. She’s ambitious, fast-tracked to be a power player in American politics, plays well to crowds, and electrifies audiences in a way that has made it almost impossible for Democrats to attack her.
In superhero comics, Sarah Palin would be…
…raped or murdered. I know that sounds horrible but violence against women is all-the-rage in comics. It sometimes feels like editorial sits down and says, “Hey, we need something to kick-off this big summer event – who haven’t we raped yet?” Sarah Palin could also be the bad-ass femme-fatal with two swords and a tight body suit but few characters get there without being raped, molested, or beaten to a bloody pulp by an ex-boyfriend.

Joe Biden
The longtime senator from Delaware. The champion of liberal values and ideals. The man who tries to keep politics front-and-center and often berates his opponents’ media-plays with snappy one-liners. He’s the elder statesman, the Wiseman, the person you’d rely on to do what it takes to get the job done, even if that means going against popular opinion.
In superhero comics, Joe Biden would be…
…the Canadian Prime Minister, a super villain, or an assassinated Senator. It’s hard to tell where Biden would go. If the writer were to stick to the Biden-script he’d either be a foreign politician (because there are few incorrupt American politicians in comics) or an assassinated Senator (because the incorrupt American politicians are killed in the first act).The other option would be to make him a super villain, hiding his true motives until the third act, much like McCain. The only reason I’m leaning away from this option, however, is because Biden wasn’t tortured in his younger years.

There’d be some other, minor changes, if the 2008 election took place in the superhero comics-world. Fox News would be Faux News and MSNBC would be MSDNC. Hillary Clinton would walk around kicking guys in their balls every issue and Bill would spend most of the time in his boxer shorts. Huckabee would be the leader of a cult and Mitt Romney would actually be a robot. Finally, Joe Lieberman would be a traitor to his party and commit career suicide during a nationally televised event…oh…wait…

Labels: comics, editorial, humor, politics

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