The New Olympics

I had friends in town this weekend. We drove up to Baltimore on Friday for the Orioles/Yanks game. Saturday afternoon was spent at the Crime & Punishment Museum before getting dinner at Hooters (it was meant to be an ironic visit but the food was good enough to sap the irony out of the trip). We went out dancing Saturday evening, the crew made their way to The Shadow Lounge, DC’s version of a pretentious club complete with red carpets, Europeans, and high-priced drinks. They played too much pop music, though, and hardly played a single house song. How the hell do you dance to Kelly Clarkson? But Sunday…Sunday was the day the champions came out as we celebrated the end of the Olympics by inventing six new events. You should start practicing now; these will be the hot events at London 2012 and likely your last chance at Olympic gold.

The Torpedo – Go as far you can underwater using only one push off of the wall and one stroke. Ciro came in first place, setting the world record by making it to the 4.5’ marker plus an additional four tiles. I made it two tiles over the 4.5’ marker and silvered.

The Toe Thrust – Position yourself as if you were sitting with your legs crossed, lean forward so that all ten toes are touching the floor, put your hands behind your back, and then race your opponents by thrusting yourself forward using only your toes. I got the gold medal in this event; no-one stood a chance.

The Forward Crawl – Do a handstand underwater and then move forward. It’s harder than it looks. The gold went to Kate, who took/fell forward several feet.

The Headstand – Do a headstand underwater. I went first and I now have a huge scrape on my forehead. Apparently you should do a handstand first and then lower yourself onto your head. Regardless, everyone else opted out of the event after they saw my Gorbachev and I got the gold.

The Feet First – Float on your back and swim the length of the pool feet first. Gennaro dusted all of us for the gold and I was disqualified after I sucked in too much water, choked, and gave up.

Body Skating – One person lays on the bottom of the pool like a skateboard and someone else stands on his back and does various tricks. The Gennaro/Ciro team managed to pull off a kick-flip and an ollie-impossible for the gold.

There you have it. I took home two golds and decent flesh wound, making my household proud.

Labels: humor

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