Handicapping McCain’s VP Choice
Thursday, August 28, 2008
McCain’s supposed to be announcing his VP-candidate on Friday and through the powers of math and logic I’m going to let you know the person most likely to have their political career go down in a flaming wreck of Straight Talk Express. Everyone else is doing it, and I have about as much insight into the VP-selection process as anyone else, so I’m going to do it too. Let’s begin…
Rob Portman (3:2) – I have my money on Portman. Ohio is the half-racist Swing State McCain has the best chance of winning. McCain needs Ohio bad so he might as well pander to the people that still remember Rob Portman. The downside, of course, is his most recent gig as Director of the Office of Management and Budget. Talk about an executive office that screwed the pooch.
Tim Pawlentry (2:1) – It must be great to be a Republican governor of a battleground state these days. Unfortunately for Pawlentry, I don’t think Minnesota is as important as Ohio this year. Sucks to reside in a cold, shitty, delegate-light state.
Kim Kardashian (3:1) – Her career needs some more definition and McCain needs that youth vote. Of course, McCain has no idea where to get that youth vote, hence Kardashian. She would be able to deliver the “Big Ass Lovers” demographic of which I’m admittedly a part of.
Mitt Romney (5:1) – I imagine McCain is intimidated by Ann Romney. She kind of reminds me of the younger, nicer version of Cindy McCain. I picture John sitting around, wondering what happened to his love life, and debating if he still has a soul every time he sees Ann. And that can’t be good for his campaign.
Jesus Christ (6:1) – Not the Son of Man but the immigrant cabbage-picker from California. McCain figures it’ll help him get the minority vote while pulling in votes from the Bible Belt since most fundies tend to believe TV sets are evil.
Ralph Avarez (9:1) - Securing the McDonald’s President and COO would ensure ad-penetration in the one location that caters to 95% of the demographic that could lean towards McCain. It also means McCain would be able to legally call himself, “Big Mac,” and win the hearts and votes of the people who choose Presidents they’d most likely have a drink with at a bar (51% of America, apparently).
Gallagher (15:1) – The man would be as tough on Iraqi insurgents as he is on produce. If not the veep, expect him to be the Secretary of Defense.
Dick Cheney (30:1) – It depends on whether or not Dick decides to execute the option on his contract, really.
Tom Ridge (40:1) – A lot of folks are putting him on the shortlist and I'm just not seeing it. I guess if it was me I'd have a hard time stepping down from Hershey's Executive Board. It's like going from Willie Wonka's Factory to a company that sells catheters.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (50:1) – Although technically ineligible McCain is still exploring the possibility, I’m sure. If a man McCain’s age can get an erection thanks to the wonders of Viagra, there has to be some way to get Arnie in the veep spot. A movie star governor of California that’s capable of battling evil corporations to restore Mars’ atmosphere – that’s one hell of a campaign commercial, right there.
Joe Lieberman (100:1) – A Jewish Independent still viewed by most as a Democrat? Stop kidding yourself.
Rob Portman (3:2) – I have my money on Portman. Ohio is the half-racist Swing State McCain has the best chance of winning. McCain needs Ohio bad so he might as well pander to the people that still remember Rob Portman. The downside, of course, is his most recent gig as Director of the Office of Management and Budget. Talk about an executive office that screwed the pooch.
Tim Pawlentry (2:1) – It must be great to be a Republican governor of a battleground state these days. Unfortunately for Pawlentry, I don’t think Minnesota is as important as Ohio this year. Sucks to reside in a cold, shitty, delegate-light state.
Kim Kardashian (3:1) – Her career needs some more definition and McCain needs that youth vote. Of course, McCain has no idea where to get that youth vote, hence Kardashian. She would be able to deliver the “Big Ass Lovers” demographic of which I’m admittedly a part of.
Mitt Romney (5:1) – I imagine McCain is intimidated by Ann Romney. She kind of reminds me of the younger, nicer version of Cindy McCain. I picture John sitting around, wondering what happened to his love life, and debating if he still has a soul every time he sees Ann. And that can’t be good for his campaign.
Jesus Christ (6:1) – Not the Son of Man but the immigrant cabbage-picker from California. McCain figures it’ll help him get the minority vote while pulling in votes from the Bible Belt since most fundies tend to believe TV sets are evil.
Ralph Avarez (9:1) - Securing the McDonald’s President and COO would ensure ad-penetration in the one location that caters to 95% of the demographic that could lean towards McCain. It also means McCain would be able to legally call himself, “Big Mac,” and win the hearts and votes of the people who choose Presidents they’d most likely have a drink with at a bar (51% of America, apparently).
Gallagher (15:1) – The man would be as tough on Iraqi insurgents as he is on produce. If not the veep, expect him to be the Secretary of Defense.
Dick Cheney (30:1) – It depends on whether or not Dick decides to execute the option on his contract, really.
Tom Ridge (40:1) – A lot of folks are putting him on the shortlist and I'm just not seeing it. I guess if it was me I'd have a hard time stepping down from Hershey's Executive Board. It's like going from Willie Wonka's Factory to a company that sells catheters.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (50:1) – Although technically ineligible McCain is still exploring the possibility, I’m sure. If a man McCain’s age can get an erection thanks to the wonders of Viagra, there has to be some way to get Arnie in the veep spot. A movie star governor of California that’s capable of battling evil corporations to restore Mars’ atmosphere – that’s one hell of a campaign commercial, right there.
Joe Lieberman (100:1) – A Jewish Independent still viewed by most as a Democrat? Stop kidding yourself.
posted by Jason at
11:06 AM
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