'Fessing Up: Red Lobster
I’m 30 and Robin is 29. We’re well within the “upper-middle class” range; some may even define us as within the “high income” range. It’s safe to say that we love food but it’s probably more accurate to say that we’re restaurant aficionados. We love going to the latest and greatest in DC-area restaurants and filling up on plates that’ll make the average DC tourist say, “Wuh huh?” Sure, we eat at the occasional chains but always with a sense of irony. T.G.I.Fridays, for instance, where I’ll sit and swallow a steak and plantain sandwich, commenting on how well it pairs with whatever pinot noir they’re pushing that particular month. Also we can occasionally behave like 95% of the rest of America and pretend that we have this totally unique restaurant in our neighborhood called “The Cheesecake Factory” because, let’s be honest, their cheesecakes aren’t all that bad.
And that ends the list of national chains we’ll admit to frequenting. There’s no Applebee’s. No Ponderosa or Bennigans or Outback Steak House or Perkins or Golden Coral or Olive Garden or Chevy’s or Chili’s. Even Legal Seafood seems a bit too mainstream these days and we lived in Boston back when Legal Seafood was still an aspiring chain; we’d rather go to McCormick & Schmick’s.
Oh, yeah, and there’s one thing I forgot to mention. We fucking love Red Lobster.
Yeah, I said it. Red Lobster has been the butt of my generation’s jokes for far too long. I honestly don’t even know where the hate came from. Is it the tacky décor? The horrid uniforms? The schlock commercials? It could be the clientele, I guess. If you look at the Venn diagram you’ll note that the intersection – that perfect storm of everything our generation is not – represents the average Red Lobster patron.
So Robin and I are outliers but we’re proud of it. I’m here right now to tell you that there is nothing wrong with Red Lobster. The seafood is always fresh, the portions are outrageous, and their dishes are damn tasty. Their bar selection isn’t that bad and their deserts are delicious in a Disney Land sort of way (and that makes them SUPER delicious).
Last night we were trying to decide what to do. We were trying to decide who to call, where to go, if we should eat at home first, etc. I was the one who brought it up. I said, “Let’s go to Red Lobster.” Robin was excited by the idea – Red Lobster is a rare treat for us since they’re all so far away. We knew we couldn’t invite any friends along because Red Lobster is our dark secret (well, was our dark secret).
We drove out to the Red Lobster in Alexandria and sat at the bar for a little while. We ordered a seafood sampler. Bacon-wrapped scallops, fried clam strips, and crab-and-lobster stuffed mushrooms. The dish was a miracle and it only cost us nine bucks. The bacon-wrapped scallops were as good as one’s I’ve eaten in most places, the clam strips were light and tasty, and the stuffed mushroom…I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus had them at his Last Supper. And no, I’m not being sarcastic.
It’s Lobster Fest time so it took us a while to decide on our actual dinner order. I got the lobster chops with grilled scallops, broccoli, rice pilaf, and a Caesar salad. Robin got grilled lobster and shrimp with this marvelous garlic-butter sauce and a baked-potato side and some broccoli. We split a half-pound of snow crab legs, had a couple of beers, and who could forget Red Lobster’s wonderful cheesy bread.
The cost for this shellfish and beer feast? $72. With tip. That’s basically the most two people could possibly spend at a Red Lobster. And for that price you get a meal that’ll cost you $72 per person at most high-end seafood restaurants and, honestly, it won’t taste all that much better.
Since we were on our own last night we decided to go all out – we went bowling after dinner and bought a bunch of scratch tickets. It was our way of fighting the establishment.
So I’m begging my generation: please give Red Lobster another chance. Ignore their large selection of “signature drinks.” Ignore their cringe-worthy marketing normally high-priced and sacred shellfish. Ignore the guy that’s yelling at his waitress because he hasn’t received his bread yet. Just sit down with your lady or your man, order an obscene amount of lobster and shrimp, be prepared to spend two hours there, and live a little.
You’ll find it’s not as bad as everyone says it is.
And that ends the list of national chains we’ll admit to frequenting. There’s no Applebee’s. No Ponderosa or Bennigans or Outback Steak House or Perkins or Golden Coral or Olive Garden or Chevy’s or Chili’s. Even Legal Seafood seems a bit too mainstream these days and we lived in Boston back when Legal Seafood was still an aspiring chain; we’d rather go to McCormick & Schmick’s.
Oh, yeah, and there’s one thing I forgot to mention. We fucking love Red Lobster.
Yeah, I said it. Red Lobster has been the butt of my generation’s jokes for far too long. I honestly don’t even know where the hate came from. Is it the tacky décor? The horrid uniforms? The schlock commercials? It could be the clientele, I guess. If you look at the Venn diagram you’ll note that the intersection – that perfect storm of everything our generation is not – represents the average Red Lobster patron.
So Robin and I are outliers but we’re proud of it. I’m here right now to tell you that there is nothing wrong with Red Lobster. The seafood is always fresh, the portions are outrageous, and their dishes are damn tasty. Their bar selection isn’t that bad and their deserts are delicious in a Disney Land sort of way (and that makes them SUPER delicious).
Last night we were trying to decide what to do. We were trying to decide who to call, where to go, if we should eat at home first, etc. I was the one who brought it up. I said, “Let’s go to Red Lobster.” Robin was excited by the idea – Red Lobster is a rare treat for us since they’re all so far away. We knew we couldn’t invite any friends along because Red Lobster is our dark secret (well, was our dark secret).
We drove out to the Red Lobster in Alexandria and sat at the bar for a little while. We ordered a seafood sampler. Bacon-wrapped scallops, fried clam strips, and crab-and-lobster stuffed mushrooms. The dish was a miracle and it only cost us nine bucks. The bacon-wrapped scallops were as good as one’s I’ve eaten in most places, the clam strips were light and tasty, and the stuffed mushroom…I wouldn’t be surprised if Jesus had them at his Last Supper. And no, I’m not being sarcastic.
It’s Lobster Fest time so it took us a while to decide on our actual dinner order. I got the lobster chops with grilled scallops, broccoli, rice pilaf, and a Caesar salad. Robin got grilled lobster and shrimp with this marvelous garlic-butter sauce and a baked-potato side and some broccoli. We split a half-pound of snow crab legs, had a couple of beers, and who could forget Red Lobster’s wonderful cheesy bread.
The cost for this shellfish and beer feast? $72. With tip. That’s basically the most two people could possibly spend at a Red Lobster. And for that price you get a meal that’ll cost you $72 per person at most high-end seafood restaurants and, honestly, it won’t taste all that much better.
Since we were on our own last night we decided to go all out – we went bowling after dinner and bought a bunch of scratch tickets. It was our way of fighting the establishment.
So I’m begging my generation: please give Red Lobster another chance. Ignore their large selection of “signature drinks.” Ignore their cringe-worthy marketing normally high-priced and sacred shellfish. Ignore the guy that’s yelling at his waitress because he hasn’t received his bread yet. Just sit down with your lady or your man, order an obscene amount of lobster and shrimp, be prepared to spend two hours there, and live a little.
You’ll find it’s not as bad as everyone says it is.
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