Greatest Surgery Ever
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
Well – the pain is bearable, the drugs are working, and I can position the laptop in a “comfortable enough” position. Let’s talk about my hernia operation. Believe me when I say this story is worth sticking around for. It gets really good.
I had an umbilical hernia. This is something babies usually get. I got it from lifting. I looked down one day and noticed I had an outie bellybutton all of a sudden and it popped out far enough to irritate me whenever I wasn’t wearing overly-loose clothing. So – I needed to get it worked on. I pushed it off about two months so it didn’t interfere with book launch stuff too much.
I had to go to the hospital at 6AM this morning. I went out last night – had a good dinner and some drinks, reminded Robin and my parents that, if anything were to happen, do not sign anything without a lawyer seeing it first, and got to bed at around 10:30PM. Woke up nice and fresh, showered, tried to do a number-2, and had Robin drive me to the hospital.
Originally she was going to drop me off and then come back later. But she saw I was nervous and opted to hang out at the hospital with me – be a supportive girlfriend and all of that stuff. So, I went through the registration process, answered all of their questions, signed their paperwork. I got put into the prep room where I stripped down and donned the gown. A nice nurse took my vitals and explained the process to me. Robin came in and gave me a kiss before I was carted off to the anesthesiologist.
I met another nurse, the anesthesiologist’s assistant, and the anesthesiologist herself. They all noted that I was nervous – this was my first real surgery – and told me that they were going to give me a sedative after I talked to my surgeon.
I got to talk to my surgeon, he forcefully thrust his finger into my bellybutton, causing me to wince a bit, and told everyone to get me to the OR. The anesthesiologist’s assistant put the sedative in my IV line and they started wheeling me to the ER. The LAST thing I remember was feeling tipsy and telling the assistant, “Wow, this stuff works fast.”
And then I woke up.
There was a nurse by my side, asking me if I felt nauseous or in pain. My answer was, “I feel fucking fine.” Except I said it slurred, like I was drunk. I don’t quite remember what I said after that, but I do remember the nurse asking me, politely, if I could stop cursing because there were other people around. That sort of snapped me out of the dream-like state I was in.
We chatted for a bit – some of it is still a blur – and then she wheeled me to the recovery room and showed me how to use the TV. I watched Ninja Warrior while eating graham crackers and drinking apple juice. The nurse asked me if I’d like Robin to come in. I said, “Yeah, I think she’ll like that.”
And Robin comes in…
She kisses me. We talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her that I don’t remember anything past the sedation and that I was reprimanded for cursing too much but I was in La-La Land at the time. While talking to Robin, she glances over at the IV in my hand, sits down while rubbing her face, and says, “I hate these places.”
And then she passes the fuck out.
Falls off the chair and hits her head on the floor. I honest-to-God thought she was trying too hard to make a joke. But she wasn’t moving so I said, “Uhhh…doctor?”
I shit you not, every doctor and nurse in that hospital flooded into our tiny room. They unplugged everything but my IV and pushed me out of the room on the stretcher into a vacant room across the hall. There were a million things running through my head but the one thing that I kept coming back to was how everyone I spoke to asked me if I had a “responsible adult” that would be able to drive me home and take care of me for the next 24 hours. I did…and now she’s getting prepped for the ER.
Yeah. The ER. The put her on a stretcher and rushed her down to the ER, put her on an IV and resuscitated her. Then they gave her a full lunch (I didn’t even get lunch) and watched her to make sure she was doing alright.
I know this may sound horrible to some of you but, honestly, I can’t stop laughing. I was freaked out at first, sure, but a nurse told me she was coming around and asked if I knew of a “responsible adult” that can take the two of us home and that was the end of it. Even the nurse was laughing.
I called Robin’s parents to tell them what happened – this was when I was still in the worried phase. I got their answering machine. Called back when I found out she was alright and Robin’s mom and sister were on the phone. I told them what happened and they just started cracking up. Robin’s sister says, “You would have been better off taking the bus home.” I had to hang up on them because laughing hurts so bad. Apparently, while Robin was still in the ER, her sister was leaving voice messages and saying, “Hey Robin, I just called to…oh, I’m fainting,” and then hanging up.
As I was getting wheeled to the waiting room to meet up with Robin (not surprisingly, she didn’t go into the recovery room a second time) the orderly told me that “all he knew” was that there was a “code 5” and everyone was running to my room.
A Code 5.
I know she’s embarrassed but this story is just too rich. I was so worried about the procedure and the pain and all this stuff – I remember nothing, woke up fine, and had mild discomfort but no hardcore pain since.
Robin passes out.
Well now I know, in the future, Robin stays in the waiting room and I’ll need to have a contingency plan in place.
Anyway – what could have been a horrible day turned into a story that I will cherish forever. I feel bad that it’s at Robin’s expense but she took one for the team – I know in my heart that if this happened to me, she’ll be telling everyone who’d listen as well.
Anyway – I’m fine and Robin’s fine. She’s doing a fantastic job taking care of me. I really can’t stand on my own, just yet, and lying down is damn near impossible (I just have to let myself go dead and Robin lowers me onto the bed). Once I’m up I’m ok. I’m really slow and I can’t bend over or turn around, but ok otherwise. She got me sushi for lunch and picked up my pain meds and some stool softeners (the reason I wanted to number-2 this morning was because it will hurt so bad to do it now).
So – that’s my day. I’m reading TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD for the first time since JHS. It’s weird – I’m finding there are some parts I appreciate more (like Scout, I guess, I was too young to understand the “adult stuff”) but there are some parts that I’m just not feeling that I liked more as a kid. I think my court-drama entertainment is seriously warped these days. I’m going to read WRITTEN ON THE BODY, next – looking forward to that one.
I’ll be in touch. By the way…have you been keeping up with POSTCARDS stuff? USA Today, Daily Candy, Publisher's Weekly, Kirkus Reviews, LA Times, Washington Post, etc, etc, etc.
I had an umbilical hernia. This is something babies usually get. I got it from lifting. I looked down one day and noticed I had an outie bellybutton all of a sudden and it popped out far enough to irritate me whenever I wasn’t wearing overly-loose clothing. So – I needed to get it worked on. I pushed it off about two months so it didn’t interfere with book launch stuff too much.
I had to go to the hospital at 6AM this morning. I went out last night – had a good dinner and some drinks, reminded Robin and my parents that, if anything were to happen, do not sign anything without a lawyer seeing it first, and got to bed at around 10:30PM. Woke up nice and fresh, showered, tried to do a number-2, and had Robin drive me to the hospital.
Originally she was going to drop me off and then come back later. But she saw I was nervous and opted to hang out at the hospital with me – be a supportive girlfriend and all of that stuff. So, I went through the registration process, answered all of their questions, signed their paperwork. I got put into the prep room where I stripped down and donned the gown. A nice nurse took my vitals and explained the process to me. Robin came in and gave me a kiss before I was carted off to the anesthesiologist.
I met another nurse, the anesthesiologist’s assistant, and the anesthesiologist herself. They all noted that I was nervous – this was my first real surgery – and told me that they were going to give me a sedative after I talked to my surgeon.
I got to talk to my surgeon, he forcefully thrust his finger into my bellybutton, causing me to wince a bit, and told everyone to get me to the OR. The anesthesiologist’s assistant put the sedative in my IV line and they started wheeling me to the ER. The LAST thing I remember was feeling tipsy and telling the assistant, “Wow, this stuff works fast.”
And then I woke up.
There was a nurse by my side, asking me if I felt nauseous or in pain. My answer was, “I feel fucking fine.” Except I said it slurred, like I was drunk. I don’t quite remember what I said after that, but I do remember the nurse asking me, politely, if I could stop cursing because there were other people around. That sort of snapped me out of the dream-like state I was in.
We chatted for a bit – some of it is still a blur – and then she wheeled me to the recovery room and showed me how to use the TV. I watched Ninja Warrior while eating graham crackers and drinking apple juice. The nurse asked me if I’d like Robin to come in. I said, “Yeah, I think she’ll like that.”
And Robin comes in…
She kisses me. We talk for a couple of minutes. I tell her that I don’t remember anything past the sedation and that I was reprimanded for cursing too much but I was in La-La Land at the time. While talking to Robin, she glances over at the IV in my hand, sits down while rubbing her face, and says, “I hate these places.”
And then she passes the fuck out.
Falls off the chair and hits her head on the floor. I honest-to-God thought she was trying too hard to make a joke. But she wasn’t moving so I said, “Uhhh…doctor?”
I shit you not, every doctor and nurse in that hospital flooded into our tiny room. They unplugged everything but my IV and pushed me out of the room on the stretcher into a vacant room across the hall. There were a million things running through my head but the one thing that I kept coming back to was how everyone I spoke to asked me if I had a “responsible adult” that would be able to drive me home and take care of me for the next 24 hours. I did…and now she’s getting prepped for the ER.
Yeah. The ER. The put her on a stretcher and rushed her down to the ER, put her on an IV and resuscitated her. Then they gave her a full lunch (I didn’t even get lunch) and watched her to make sure she was doing alright.
I know this may sound horrible to some of you but, honestly, I can’t stop laughing. I was freaked out at first, sure, but a nurse told me she was coming around and asked if I knew of a “responsible adult” that can take the two of us home and that was the end of it. Even the nurse was laughing.
I called Robin’s parents to tell them what happened – this was when I was still in the worried phase. I got their answering machine. Called back when I found out she was alright and Robin’s mom and sister were on the phone. I told them what happened and they just started cracking up. Robin’s sister says, “You would have been better off taking the bus home.” I had to hang up on them because laughing hurts so bad. Apparently, while Robin was still in the ER, her sister was leaving voice messages and saying, “Hey Robin, I just called to…oh, I’m fainting,” and then hanging up.
As I was getting wheeled to the waiting room to meet up with Robin (not surprisingly, she didn’t go into the recovery room a second time) the orderly told me that “all he knew” was that there was a “code 5” and everyone was running to my room.
A Code 5.
I know she’s embarrassed but this story is just too rich. I was so worried about the procedure and the pain and all this stuff – I remember nothing, woke up fine, and had mild discomfort but no hardcore pain since.
Robin passes out.
Well now I know, in the future, Robin stays in the waiting room and I’ll need to have a contingency plan in place.
Anyway – what could have been a horrible day turned into a story that I will cherish forever. I feel bad that it’s at Robin’s expense but she took one for the team – I know in my heart that if this happened to me, she’ll be telling everyone who’d listen as well.
Anyway – I’m fine and Robin’s fine. She’s doing a fantastic job taking care of me. I really can’t stand on my own, just yet, and lying down is damn near impossible (I just have to let myself go dead and Robin lowers me onto the bed). Once I’m up I’m ok. I’m really slow and I can’t bend over or turn around, but ok otherwise. She got me sushi for lunch and picked up my pain meds and some stool softeners (the reason I wanted to number-2 this morning was because it will hurt so bad to do it now).
So – that’s my day. I’m reading TO KILL A MOCKINGBIRD for the first time since JHS. It’s weird – I’m finding there are some parts I appreciate more (like Scout, I guess, I was too young to understand the “adult stuff”) but there are some parts that I’m just not feeling that I liked more as a kid. I think my court-drama entertainment is seriously warped these days. I’m going to read WRITTEN ON THE BODY, next – looking forward to that one.
I’ll be in touch. By the way…have you been keeping up with POSTCARDS stuff? USA Today, Daily Candy, Publisher's Weekly, Kirkus Reviews, LA Times, Washington Post, etc, etc, etc.
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posted by Jason at
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