Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: Firsts

Well – I got into my first car accident today. I’ve been hit once before but it was just a bit of a tap, no damage, no information exchanged. But yesterday I was at a stop sign coming off 395-S and getting on to George Washington Parkway when some guy rammed me from behind – knocked me into traffic but luckily no-one else hit me. Back bumper was smashed, trunk won’t close all the way, taillights destroyed – but I walked away with a little stiffness and nothing else, thankfully.

It just sucks all around. I planned on trading the car in this week and getting a new Matrix. Now I need to wait a couple of weeks, most likely. Also, I was coming back from the driving range and I was hitting the fuck out of the ball – out of 102 balls I probably hit about 70/80 of them real solid, which is great for me. So I was in a real good mood on the way home.

I decided that there is, indeed, a first time for everything and that sometimes first times can totally suck. First car accident: Sucks. There are plenty of other firsts that suck, as well.

First time getting stitches: Sucks. Christmastime – I was probably around five years old. We had those old-style radiators in the apartment. You may have never seen these but for some reason they had these metal blunted-spike looking things poking out of one end of them. I was apparently really excited that one of our neighbors had their Christmas decorations up and ran to the window to see them. Slipped, fell, and the blunted-spike thing went through my cheek. One of my earliest memories is the doctor putting this white-cloth square over my face during the operation. I guess it was before they put me under, or whatever they did.

First time getting punched in the face: Sucks. Nothing in the world prepares you for that feeling. Playing handball in Junior High when some kids tried to take my San Antonio Spurs Starter hat (that was when the Spurs got their new logo – everyone was wearing Spurs’ gear). One kid grabbed it; we played a bit of tug-of-war until the other kid pops me in the face. I drop the hat, fall on my ass, and clutch my face as blood flows from my nose.

First time getting your finger caught in a car door: Sucks. Thankfully this one only happened once. It was my thumb. I was probably around ten or so – I remember it being my dad’s monster of a car – this big, dark-red Chevy he used to drive. We called it Betsy. It had those big heavy-ass doors and one of them slammed nicely on my thumb. Man – I screamed. I had no idea what to do. My dad opened the door after realizing what was going on and I was in tons of pain. My fingernail turned purple and fell off – freaked me out every time I looked at it.

First time someone catches you masturbating: Sucks. Actually, I can’t think of a single time getting caught hasn’t sucked. Unfortunately I don’t live that life where some girl or girls catch me masturbating and decides to help me out. Usually she calls the cops. Having said that, who knows when I was first caught. We lived in a small apartment and, as an adult, I’ve learned that we’re never as subtle as we think we are. Unfortunately that still hasn’t curbed my masturbating. Just the other day I kissed Robin goodnight and told her I was going to check my email. She told me to put the blinds back up when I was done. Sucks.

First time you blow your entire post-college paycheck in one weekend: Sucks. Man – my first check seemed like the biggest fucking thing in the world. It was like infinite money. I went from about 7k a year in college to 50k. A 700-plus percent raise! In one weekend I bought drinks for a lot of people, bought dinner for the lady, bought new clothes – I bought a lot of stuff. Then Monday came along and I quickly learned that 50k a year, 960 dollar a week, isn’t even close to infinite money. Hell, it doesn’t even cover rent after taxes.

First time you spend a night in Aberdeen, Maryland: Sucks. There is nothing in Aberdeen except for Aberdeen Proving Grounds, a Days Inn, and a Grand Corral. At least that’s all I saw during the week I stayed there for work. I was walking through the woods, setting up microphones and directing army guys as they fired mortars and cannons. Whereas that part was pretty cool, the coming home to do a tick inspection before going out for all-you-can-eat shitty steak and getting drunk in your hotel room by yourself was not a good time at all. In fact, I imagine it’s what hell is like.

First time buying fake Cubans in a Mexican border town: Sucks. I don’t even remember the name of the fucking town. It was south of Yuma. I thought I was the master negotiator after I talked the guy down to $20 for a box of Cuban cigars. The ones in the box he were showing me looked and smelled just fine. They weren’t dry, they burned well – even if they weren’t Cubans they were good cigars. And then I opened my box to find twenty novelty cigars. I don’t even think they had tobacco in them.

(I’d also include the first time you accidentally drive your rental car into Mexico because you took a wrong turn as a big-time Suck. This time I was in Mexicali – luckily I got the car out of there.)

First time Best Buy pushes you into their extended warranty plan: Sucks. Second and third time sucks, as well.

First time you try to fix something covered by Best Buy’s extended warranty plan: Sucks. We brought a laptop in three times before we just said, “Fuck it,” and bought a new one.

First time you accidentally throw away a receipt for the shirt your girlfriend wanted to exchange: Sucks. The worst part? Every time she loses a receipt from that point on it will be because you threw it out. Even if you weren’t home, if you’re away on business, she’ll wait until you get home and blame you for it. The same thing happens the first time you accidentally throw away her mail and the first time you accidentally eat her box of Girl Scout cookies. Fuck, I have to do a story on the food situation in my house. Next time.

Anyway – I could keep going, mainly because I decided to lie down and do nothing all day to ensure my back is fine tomorrow – but I’ll stop. Robin’s in the office and I think I can pop a quick one without her finding out.

Firsts

Monday, May 07, 2007

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