Adult Parties: Woah – This Ain’t 1999 Anymore

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

I've updated this blog on Friday, Monday, and today. It's like the olden days all over again.

By far the weirdest party I’ve ever been to was New Years 2002. It was at a friend of Robin’s house who just happened to live two blocks from us. It was convenient, lots of people were to be there, and we knew a fair share of the attendees – there was no reason not to go to this party.

The host had a fun theme to her party – everyone who comes in pays twenty-dollars and, in return, gets twenty dollars worth of funny money. As the night rolls on, you need to try and convince other party-goers to give you funny money. By the end of the night, whoever has the most funny money gets 75% the pot, the other 25% goes to the house and pays for food and beer.

So, in theory, someone would serenade somebody else in exchange for a “dollar” or someone would attempt a split on the dance floor for two “dollars”.

In theory.

You see, in one corner we had one of Robin’s coworkers. She spent her evenings stripping down in Georgetown. She was a wild one – married at the age of 19, had a girlfriend on the side that she liked a lot more than her husband. Her stripping schedule was going from weekends to every night and her love life/social life was starting to become less glamorous with live-in separations/live-in girlfriends/abuse of certain substances.

In the other corner was some girl whose name I don’t believe anyone knew. She was an escort and one of the guys brought her to the party as a date.

I should probably add, now, that the person with the most funny money was going to be taking home over seven-hundred dollars.

And we had a coked-out stripper and an escort at a party where one of them could walk away with that seven-hundred dollars.

And there were a lot of dudes at the party since two of the housemates were single dudes, themselves.

You see where this is going – right?

It started innocently enough, honestly. The stripper’s husband was pimping his woman out – a lap dance for a buck. Guys were taking him up on the offer and everyone was laughing about it at first. It got a little more uncomfortable when the shirt came off and the lap-dance price went up to five dollars.

The guy with the escort – seeing an opportunity to make some money back from his nights purchased – started pimping his date out as well with the deal that they’ll split the money (or so I heard after the fact, I’m not sure why she’d agree to the split if she’s doing all the work).

Either way she started giving lap dances as well.

A lot of people left the party at that point. I guess adult parties aren’t supposed to have naked strippers and escorts walking around, giving lap dances in exchange for monopoly money. Robin was turned off – she’s not a fan of women whoring themselves, I guess – and spent most of her time outside with some other folks, chain smoking and chugging beer.

I had to be supportive so I went outside as well. However, when the “WOAH”s started we all ran inside to see what was happening next.

Nothing like two girls going at it with a pile of monopoly money around them to turn a party into a sausage fest.

At this point Robin’s friend had enough and told them to stop. Apparently the girl/girl action (and who knows what else) was moved to a roommate’s bedroom – where every guy without a date squeezed in. While the rest of us watched Dick Clark countdown the apple, we tried to ignore the chants and hollers coming from the dudes room (the girls because they found it disgusting, the guys because we wanted to be in there).

The best part? A genius amongst the living room folks realized that there were more of us than the guys inside the bedroom. We decided to give all of our funny money to one person, another coworker of Robin’s who’s a good guy and everyone liked (and who also lived in a shed, essentially, on somebody’s property) so he can get the money.

At the end of the night when the money was tallied the look on the stripper and the escort’s faces were priceless. They got second and third place and to add insult to injury, Robin’s friend gave them “runner-up prizes” which consisted of some goofy items that were lying around the house.

So, many lap-dances and 69s later, all they had to show for it was a bag of candy.


posted by Jason at 4 Comments


Blogger Chris said...

It's almost funny, but actually pretty depressing. I have nothing against strippers, but I do have something against people throwing away their dignity and self-respect. Awwwwkward!

8:34 AM  
Blogger Dembicki said...

I smell sex and candy....

12:45 PM  
Blogger Sean Maher said...

This is right up there with Hooker Hand. Amazing story, J.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Mike Exner III said...

That story is freaking hilarious, J.

10:04 PM  

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