Greater resolution!

The Moose in the Closet, the blog you’re reading right now, will only be for stories. POSTCARDS’ Blog will only be for the production of the anthology (and James Powell is posting there now, as well). And now, The Moose’s Musings will be my Live Journal where I just shoot the shit, occasionally lay down some attempts at comedy writing and try to get a little discussion going. So stop by, if you have an LJ let me know so I can add you to my friend list and feel free to do the same for mine.

On that note, it’s story time…

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I woke up two hours early for my first day of work. The hotel was only a couple of blocks away and my clothes were already ironed – the lead time might have seemed excessive but I needed to tie my tie, something I’ve only done several times before.

It was a smart move; it took me about twenty minutes to get a decent knot put together without having the tip of my tie lie somewhere around my nipples.

Robin made me coffee and asked if I wanted breakfast – I was too nervous to eat and I wasn’t going to kid myself and pretend we can afford to go out for some quality omelets. I grabbed a banana from the hotel lobby on the way out and walked to TAO.

Orientation took the entire morning. My boss, David, took me around to all of the offices and introduced me to my coworkers – most of them seemed like a friendly lot with the exception of this guy Curt who will be featured prominently future stories. Curt’s not a bad guy at all, let me get that out of the way right from the start, but he’s everything a storyteller wants from a character.

I had to meet with the human resources woman who was kind of cute and one of my early thoughts upon seeing her consisted of bending her over an office table and pushing up. It was a great image to juxtapose against her talking about the sexual harassment policy. I can’t help it, though; I think I’ve pictured myself having sex with nine girls out of every ten I’ve ever met. I’m always thinking about sex. Seriously, I went to a therapist because of it.

I remember when I was a kid and I’d say my prayers at night, naked women would always pop into my head. I’d feel so dirty, here I was opening my soul to God and I couldn’t stop pornography from running rampant in my subconscious. I’d argue with myself – I’d be on my knees praying and it would go something like this:

“Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with [naked woman appears in my head]. I’m sorry, Blessed Virgin. Hail Mary [naked woman]. Stop it! Why can’t you just stop it! Hail Mary, full of [naked woman].”

It would take me ten-minutes to get through one prayer, the Virgin Mary sitting on high and asking me to hurry it up. In order to combat the image, I used to picture a record player in my mind and the record player was reciting the Hail Mary. And then, I shit you not, a naked woman would come and push the record player out of the way.

I had no control in an almost comical way – and it was a pretty destructive behavior in the workplace. Not so much as people knew what was going through my head but that I never paid attention to female coworkers because I kept fantasizing about having sex with them.

I don’t know, remember that for later. I’m actually much better now. Well, better.

After I signed up for health insurance, 401k and life insurance (and I split my life beneficiaries between my sister and Robin in case you were wondering) I had to meet with the security officer. She put this fucking book in front of me, a thirty page application for my security clearance which, as I already talked about, I lied quite extensively on.

The security officer told me to get it in to her “within a week or so”. It took me about two months – paperwork and I don’t get along very well.

Then I finally got to see my office. It’s a great moment, walking into your first office. I had a nice one, too – it was designed for two people but I had it all to myself – it was long and had floor to ceiling windows running its entire length. My computer was already set-up and there were some supplies on my desk already – my nameplate was already attached to the entryway.

My boss told me to take some time to set-up my office and read over the company handbook, a hundred page document that got shoved in my drawer the moment he left, never to be seen again. I called Robin first, I put my feet up on the desk and turned towards my window to try and emulate the executives you see in the movies. I told her all about my day so far, everything except the whole wanting to have sex with the human resources woman, and let her know some of the guys from the office were going to take me out to lunch.

After talking to Robin I emailed my parents, my mom wrote back within minutes to tell me how proud she is of me. I went to lunch afterwards with some people, came back and read some of the stuff the HR woman gave me and left early, around three, telling my boss I needed to go apartment hunting.

My first day at work and I left two hours early. TAO was the kind of company a man can take advantage of, the tales of my exploits at work that I’ll be laying down over the next couple of months will both shock and inspire you. Corporate America is a fucking piece of cake.

On the way home I spotted something out of the corner of my eye, lying in the gutters – it was a New Years 2000 refrigerator magnet. Big fucking deal, right?

Robin and I had the same one back in Boston. But I’m sure they made plenty of them, you know?

Well, the one we had in Boston – it was a gift from Robin’s mom that fell off the fridge, causing the head to break off – it’s the reason we threw it out. The magnet I found on the street didn’t have its head, either. I naturally took it back to the hotel me, Robin would never believe it if I just told her that I saw it, and we still have it today – prominently displayed on our fridge.

I get to the hotel, excited to tell Robin about my day. She’s not in the room, unfortunately – she went into DC to look for apartments and left me a note – she didn’t expect me to be home so early. I leave her a note and go down to the bar, start munching on free mozzarella sticks and putting down Bud Lights on the hotel’s tab.

Robin meets me about an hour later – big kisses and excited talk about my first day at work. She found some apartments that I might have been interested in, but that’s for tomorrow’s story. I told her about the magnet and she naturally didn’t believe me until I showed her the decapitated body of the pudgy woman that played music when you pressed her tits.

We got drunk and passed out early in the comfort of our hundred-plus dollar a night hotel room – having no idea that there was only a couple of weeks of comfortable sleeping left for us before we spend several months with back pains and stiff necks.