Villes of Brown, Postcards from the Hive, Lovin' Ma Country and Deez Nuts
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Tomorrow is your last day to claim a free copy of Neil Kleid and Jake Allen’s Brownsville – please, go, post, read my review, get a copy of an amazing book.
_____________
There’s a new Hive going up shortly, I’ll link to it when it does (and here it is)– we start talking distribution and I start the column off with a bit of an announcement that ultimately leads people here. Good times are ahead, my friends. Good times.
_____________
I watched DEAL OR NO DEAL from Monday night – I have an overwhelming fascination with that show. I would say it’s the only trashy show I watch except I can’t get enough 24 this season.
And Taylor Hicks is my American Idol.
Anyway, there was this cat on DEAL OR NO DEAL; dude came up to the stage with this Texas Flag Shirt, big ass belt-buckle, tight-ass Levi’s – I’m talking straight Texas Hick. He gets on the stage and Howie asks him to tell the audience a little bit about himself and he says, “My name’s blah, blah, blah. Wife, kids, blah. And I love my country.”
Now, look. Despite its faults, I love my country, too. I really do. I’ve been to other countries and with the exception of England I’ve never have this desire to live in any of them. When it comes down to it, I love America. I don’t really like our current policies, 50% of our population or Connecticut but despite its faults it’s a pretty good place to live 72% of the time. Despite my love for this country, I cannot fathom someone responding, “And I love my country,” when giving a little mini-bio about themselves.
It just doesn’t go anywhere, you know? You tell someone you like baseball and they ask you what team you cheer for. You tell them you like pizza and they ask you what your favorite topping are. You tell them you love your country and there’s really no response beyond “me too” or “fuck your country”.
I don’t understand when loving one’s country became a political statement. And I really don’t understand where political statements, even quasi ones, fit in with gameshows.
“Well, Howie, my name is Jason; I come from Arlington, Virginia where I live with my lovely girlfriend of seven years, Robin. We have three cats, a dog, a bird and I support a gay couple’s right to adopt children.”
Anyway, just found that kind of funny. The guy walked home with over a hundred-grand. That’s a lot of jerky.
_____________
So my boy G sent me this link yesterday, it’s the Wikipedia entry on how to play “Deez Nuts”, complete with the rules of the game. As a kid that grew up in Brooklyn, this has got to be the weakest variation of Deez Nuts I’ve ever seen. According to the guy who wrote this, all you need to do is get someone to say “What” and you can respond with “Deez Nuts”. They even gave an example:
P1. Hey did what’s his name get at you yesterday?
P2. Who?
P1. Deez Nuts!
That’s just fucking insulting. A true master at Deez Nuts knows to wait for the perfect moment – a good Deez Nuts joke is spontaneous, you can sometimes go months without delivering a single Deez Nuts joke. But when you do, when there’s the perfect blend of conversation momentum and background noise, the joke is a thing of beauty. I’d like to give you some of the more memorable Deez Nuts jokes from my own past.
Please remember the good ones only work within the confines of the conversation, you need your opponent to be off guard and not notice the slightly-off pronunciation you’re using. You should never stress the “deez” and never smile, never make it look like this is a set-up, and 9 times out of 10 your opponent will fall for it.
_____________
I was at a bar once in Boston, Mets vs. Yankees. Guy’s sitting next to me with some friends, he’s decked out in Yankee apparel – I have on a Mets hoodie and hat. He’s the typical loud and obnoxious Yankee fan – after his fifteenth “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH” I turn to him and say…
“You really like’ta yank-deez, dontcha?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So why don’t you yank deez nuts!”
There was a quite moment where I thought we were going to rumble. Then he laughs and buys me a beer, showing respect to the master Deez Nutsman. This joke can also work with the Rock-deez and if your opponent is drunk enough and not really paying attention, the Pheel-deez.
_____________
Sophomore year in college, I work nights in the cafeteria. Slow night, one of my coworkers brings some home-made chocolates with her – they were quite delicious. She’s telling us how she makes them, we’re all listening intently – she mentions how she loves to make all kinds of candy. I ask her…
“Can you make rock-an-deez?”
“Rock candies? Yeah, you just blah blah blah…”
“Woah, hold up. That’s not how you were rockin’ deez nuts last night!”
No-one gives me a high five, no one gets it – but I was proud of myself, at least.
_____________
My favorite Deez Nuts jokes are the ones where you make up a word that sounds like it could be a real word and your opponent doesn’t question it. Like this one time…
“I don’t know, man, I’m having some insertindeez.”
“About what?”
“About insertin’ deez nuts in your mouth!”
_____________
This one gets credited to G although I’ve used it once. My friend mentions how much she loves Dunkin’ Donuts to which I throw on this disgusted face and say…
“You like dunkin’ doughs-nuts?”
“Of course.”
“Then why don’t you dunk deez nuts in your mouth!”
Again, blank stare.
_____________
Hit and runs are always fun but Robin gets embarrassed so I can’t do it too often. Like last summer at Sea World when we walk by an exhibit and a tour guide standing nearby says…
“And right here is where we house the manatees, Florida’s…”
“Man-a-deez nuts!”
Doesn’t make sense, really, but still fun to say.
_____________
I’m all reminiscent now – I want to start telling Deez Nuts jokes again. It’s so easy to do in comics, too:
“You support in-deez?”
“Yeah, I always try to sample books from Fantagraphics and Drawn & Quarterly, especially anything from…”
“No, no! I wanted to know if you’re supportin’ deez nuts!”
_____________
There’s a new Hive going up shortly, I’ll link to it when it does (and here it is)– we start talking distribution and I start the column off with a bit of an announcement that ultimately leads people here. Good times are ahead, my friends. Good times.
_____________
I watched DEAL OR NO DEAL from Monday night – I have an overwhelming fascination with that show. I would say it’s the only trashy show I watch except I can’t get enough 24 this season.
And Taylor Hicks is my American Idol.
Anyway, there was this cat on DEAL OR NO DEAL; dude came up to the stage with this Texas Flag Shirt, big ass belt-buckle, tight-ass Levi’s – I’m talking straight Texas Hick. He gets on the stage and Howie asks him to tell the audience a little bit about himself and he says, “My name’s blah, blah, blah. Wife, kids, blah. And I love my country.”
Now, look. Despite its faults, I love my country, too. I really do. I’ve been to other countries and with the exception of England I’ve never have this desire to live in any of them. When it comes down to it, I love America. I don’t really like our current policies, 50% of our population or Connecticut but despite its faults it’s a pretty good place to live 72% of the time. Despite my love for this country, I cannot fathom someone responding, “And I love my country,” when giving a little mini-bio about themselves.
It just doesn’t go anywhere, you know? You tell someone you like baseball and they ask you what team you cheer for. You tell them you like pizza and they ask you what your favorite topping are. You tell them you love your country and there’s really no response beyond “me too” or “fuck your country”.
I don’t understand when loving one’s country became a political statement. And I really don’t understand where political statements, even quasi ones, fit in with gameshows.
“Well, Howie, my name is Jason; I come from Arlington, Virginia where I live with my lovely girlfriend of seven years, Robin. We have three cats, a dog, a bird and I support a gay couple’s right to adopt children.”
Anyway, just found that kind of funny. The guy walked home with over a hundred-grand. That’s a lot of jerky.
_____________
So my boy G sent me this link yesterday, it’s the Wikipedia entry on how to play “Deez Nuts”, complete with the rules of the game. As a kid that grew up in Brooklyn, this has got to be the weakest variation of Deez Nuts I’ve ever seen. According to the guy who wrote this, all you need to do is get someone to say “What” and you can respond with “Deez Nuts”. They even gave an example:
P1. Hey did what’s his name get at you yesterday?
P2. Who?
P1. Deez Nuts!
That’s just fucking insulting. A true master at Deez Nuts knows to wait for the perfect moment – a good Deez Nuts joke is spontaneous, you can sometimes go months without delivering a single Deez Nuts joke. But when you do, when there’s the perfect blend of conversation momentum and background noise, the joke is a thing of beauty. I’d like to give you some of the more memorable Deez Nuts jokes from my own past.
Please remember the good ones only work within the confines of the conversation, you need your opponent to be off guard and not notice the slightly-off pronunciation you’re using. You should never stress the “deez” and never smile, never make it look like this is a set-up, and 9 times out of 10 your opponent will fall for it.
_____________
I was at a bar once in Boston, Mets vs. Yankees. Guy’s sitting next to me with some friends, he’s decked out in Yankee apparel – I have on a Mets hoodie and hat. He’s the typical loud and obnoxious Yankee fan – after his fifteenth “WOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH” I turn to him and say…
“You really like’ta yank-deez, dontcha?”
“Yeah, so?”
“So why don’t you yank deez nuts!”
There was a quite moment where I thought we were going to rumble. Then he laughs and buys me a beer, showing respect to the master Deez Nutsman. This joke can also work with the Rock-deez and if your opponent is drunk enough and not really paying attention, the Pheel-deez.
_____________
Sophomore year in college, I work nights in the cafeteria. Slow night, one of my coworkers brings some home-made chocolates with her – they were quite delicious. She’s telling us how she makes them, we’re all listening intently – she mentions how she loves to make all kinds of candy. I ask her…
“Can you make rock-an-deez?”
“Rock candies? Yeah, you just blah blah blah…”
“Woah, hold up. That’s not how you were rockin’ deez nuts last night!”
No-one gives me a high five, no one gets it – but I was proud of myself, at least.
_____________
My favorite Deez Nuts jokes are the ones where you make up a word that sounds like it could be a real word and your opponent doesn’t question it. Like this one time…
“I don’t know, man, I’m having some insertindeez.”
“About what?”
“About insertin’ deez nuts in your mouth!”
_____________
This one gets credited to G although I’ve used it once. My friend mentions how much she loves Dunkin’ Donuts to which I throw on this disgusted face and say…
“You like dunkin’ doughs-nuts?”
“Of course.”
“Then why don’t you dunk deez nuts in your mouth!”
Again, blank stare.
_____________
Hit and runs are always fun but Robin gets embarrassed so I can’t do it too often. Like last summer at Sea World when we walk by an exhibit and a tour guide standing nearby says…
“And right here is where we house the manatees, Florida’s…”
“Man-a-deez nuts!”
Doesn’t make sense, really, but still fun to say.
_____________
I’m all reminiscent now – I want to start telling Deez Nuts jokes again. It’s so easy to do in comics, too:
“You support in-deez?”
“Yeah, I always try to sample books from Fantagraphics and Drawn & Quarterly, especially anything from…”
“No, no! I wanted to know if you’re supportin’ deez nuts!”
posted by Jason at
9:23 AM
1 Comments
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