The Moose in the Closet: Toys

One of those fucking nights, man.

Saw pages from Josh Fialkov’s and Jay Busbee’s upcoming projects – both of them were beautiful. This was the day after seeing pages of Jay’s other upcoming project and reading the script to Josh’s other upcoming project. I’m talking gorgeous, here. Different. The kind of shit you just read and never complain about, try to order prints of the pages so you can put them up on your wall.

Then I had a two hour phone call with Chris Stevens. You don’t know him yet but you most likely will. His book looks gorgeous – Art Adams, Jae Lee, Farrell Darymple, James Jean, etc, etc, etc. Best part is the dude is a ridiculously talented writer so it’s more than just eye candy. It’s practically done and we’re talking about where he should take it. When your book is so good you’re deciding what publishers to go with instead of what publishers will go with you, you’re in a good position.

Meanwhile I’m learning Illustrator CS which I just installed, trying to get some copy and graphics together for a little something-something so I can send it to the ridiculously talented Jason Hanley to make up some material for me that I can bring to New York Comic Con and maybe, you know, beat the shit out of this industry with it.

Just one of those fucking days, my man. The kind where you see change coming.

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Going through some old pictures today, trying to get inspired to write a story, saw this one with my old Castle Greyskull in the background and started thinking about all my old toys. Way I see it, next week is all the sign-off shit, the closing out the story drama. So, you know, let’s just talk about toys today and leave the heavy lifting for next week.

But not the good toys, that wouldn’t be very “Moose in the Closet” like. Let’s talk about the shitty toys.

Like Madballs. What the fuck was up with that? I mean, whereas it was cool having a ball that looked like a deformed head they didn’t really throw all that well, they just sort of went with the wind and never really traveled too far. The only thing they were good for was soaking them with water and lunging them at someone’s head, giving them a face full of wet ugly.

But no matter how useless the Madballs where, nothing will ever top the #1 gayest toy I ever owned. Worst than my Pound Puppy. Worse than my Care Bears. I owned a Popple.

That folded into a soccer ball.

Popples where these plush dolls that tucked into them selves and became plush balls that were great for…I don’t know, rolling. I guess in an attempt to get boys to buy them they made the sport versions. Well, it worked, because – you know – I had the soccer ball Popple.

Only soccer ball I ever owned. And yeah, I used to walk around the house kicking it. It got old after a little while but when I first got it – hot damn I was rocking Pele-style with my plush soccer ball that transformed into something that vaguely looked like the type of bear that loves to be the bitch in bear-prison.

I was always the fan of the big Playsets. I love my Castle Greyskull. Boulder Mountain – my dad drove his ass out to Toys R’ Us after working two friggin jobs to get me the Boulder Mountain Playset from M.A.S.K.. Wasn’t my birthday or anything, I just wanted it; he knew I wanted it, he got it. Got the Cobra Terrordrome for Christmas one year, big ass playset. I had the original G.I.Joe base, the Dagoba Playset from Star Wars as well as the Ewok Village which was easily my favorite fucking toy as a kid next to my AT-AT. Hell, even my Snake Mountain playset was dope despite the fact that the Horde started as a She-Ra villain. The friggin thing came with a snake hand puppet that you can use to swallow He-Man whole – bad ass.

I swear to God, I don’t think I ever had a playset that I didn’t like.

Vehicles, however, almost always left me disappointed.

Like the G.I. Joe Bridge Layer, for instance, which I didn’t ask for but got it anyway this one Christmas. What a piece of crap that turned out to be – it was a playtime killer. If at any point you’re playing with your G.I. Joes and your plot calls for the Bridge Layer you instantly realize that your thread is dead and you should just put away your toys and try again tomorrow.

Vehicles – if ain’t the Millennium Falcon it shouldn’t exist.

I also love the weak figures in an otherwise powerful line. Like the Rock Guys from He-Man. This was He-Man’s attempt at cashing in on the Transformers craze – they were these figures that “transformed” into rocks. And by “transform” I mean you bend them over and they look like rocks. And by “rocks” I mean boring-ass rocks that you end up using as background scenery during playtime.

Even Transformers, the greatest toy line of all time, had their shitty toys. I had these guys - they essentially folded over and became drills. You pull them back and they roll on their own for about three seconds before popping open and landing on their feet. So, it was essentially a transformer that took a second to transform and was capable of moving on it own for a little bit provided your room wasn’t lined with carpet which mine was.

Shitty toy.

But nothing beats the Go-Bots. Talk about a line created solely for the shitty toys. I remember this episode of Go-Bots where this submarine Go-Bot needed to go under water. He turns to this kid and says, “I’m just happy to help. I’m sure you can imagine there isn’t much need for a submarine on Gobotron.” And here I am, a little six year old kid, and even I said, “So why the fuck is there a submarine on Gobotron?”

“Oh. To sell toys.”

And I bought them, obviously. And complained that they weren’t transformers.

Labels: mitc

Toys

Friday, January 27, 2006

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