Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: Sex Panther: The Young Cub

We have a fun week ahead – I sort of need to unwind a bit and write some really funny shit. This week is not for the prudish or the humorless. But first, a couple of things I’d like to talk about. For starters:

Crossed 50k words this weekend. Story isn’t done but at least I made the goal. Might have it finished by the end of the month, might not, but just hitting the 50k was something amazing. Especially when Friday my living room, well, I'll let the pictures talk:

A quick question. Every year Robin and I do this program where a poor family sends us their Christmas list and we buy all of their presents. It’s usually standard stuff – clothes, some video games, toys, sheets – stuff like that. We’d usually throw in some gift cards to the local supermarket as well and some stuff for the mother that she didn’t ask for, the mothers usually ask for clothes so we try to get them something special that they wouldn’t feel right asking for. Anyway, this year one of the girls on our list is fifteen years old and she wants a mixer for DJ equipment. I think that’s the coolest fucking thing imaginable but I know nothing about DJ equipment. She didn’t give me a model number or anything so I need to find a good mixer that’s not top of the line, she’s a fifteen year old girl and I can only imagine she’s just starting out, but also won’t break within a year. Does anyone know anything or anyone that can help me?

And finally – if you’re a dude and looking for a sweet-ass Christmas gift for your lady I highly suggest you check out Novica. If I may make further suggestions – go for one of their mirrors or jewelry items. They’re affordable and the ladies, so far, seem to love them. I get no referral bonus; I’m just trying to get you laid this holiday season.

All right – story time, this should be fun…

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My first time masturbating I had no idea what to expect. It was dark in my room – about one minute into it I freak out – I honestly thought I ripped my dick off and was bleeding profusely. I jump off my bed and turn on my lights to discover that the liquid wasn’t blood – it was pus. There was this girl on our block we all had a crush on, she was in nursing school. She was friendly, approachable – always sitting on her stoop. The kids in the neighborhood would always ask her questions about medical kind of shit – when you’re a kid and something happens to your body that you’re not sure is normal, you don’t’ go running to your parents or your doctor – you don’t go running to your friends. At least we didn’t. We went running to the cute girl in nursing school. We always did the, “my friend…” technique. I try to do the “my friend wants to know” the day after my little masturbation fright and asked her if he should see a doctor because there’s pus coming out of, you know, his private parts. She turns bright red, covers her mouth to hide her laughter and tells me my friend will be fine. I turn bright red and run away.

The first girl I made out with had braces. I remember having this uncontrollable urge to lick them this one time because I wondered if they tasted metallic. I never had braces, despite the fact that my dentist always suggested I get them. I didn’t think she would even notice. I remember stoking myself up – trying to get my mind in the right place – and then, when I pulled away, I dragged my tongue across her braces. She looks at me and asks me, “Did you just lick my teeth?”

Back to the nursing student. My friend Bobby got it in his head that the first girl I made out with, who I’ve talked about before (she was 16 and I was 11, remember?), was doing heroin. She had a Band-Aid on the underside of her elbow and he was convinced that was what heroin addicts did. From there, the logical conclusion was that she had AIDS and that was a real fucking fright for me. So here we are, eleven year old kids, asking our nursing student neighbor if you can get AIDS from making out with a heroin addict. I’m surprised that girl hasn’t released a book about us kids yet, the shit we must have asked her.

The first time I went down on a girl I spent about ten minutes licking her pussy hair all the while wondering why she wasn’t moving or making any noise – it was like licking a hairy rock. After a while I just stopped and pulled the hair out of my mouth - she didn’t say anything about it how it felt so I assumed I did it wrong. That night I put some of my porno on and realized the people where licking closer to the hole. It took me a couple of more tries to find the clit but it wasn’t with that first girl. Once I got the hang of it, I started going down on anybody who’d let me. I now feel like I’m to going down what ninjas are to assassinations.

My first time getting head – or my first attempt at getting head – was in Prospect Park on a cold-ass day. The weather combined with my nervousness over getting head combined with my nervousness of lying in the grass of a public park kept my dick nice and flaccid. What should have been my first blowjob turned into my first apology and lord knows there were plenty of those to follow.

My second attempt at getting head was from a girl that used way too much teeth. She’d go down on me and scrape my dick up – carve fucking totems into it. It took several attempts for me to finally get into it – one day I actually asked her if she could lay off the teeth and that day she actually got me off – my first time going to completion with a girl. It was in the hallway of the building I grew up in – on the floor right near the entrance of our backyard – while a bunch of my friends grilled hamburgers on the other side. High School – nothing like it.

My first time having sex I didn’t use a condom. She was on the pill and it was both of our first times, technically, and I didn’t really work too well with a condom, it turns out. After several failed attempts at using one I brought home a pack and tried to put them on without being under pressure – didn’t really work. So after many frustrating attempts we just said fuck it and went raw dog. I lasted about ten seconds. Second time having sex we did use a condom – I lasted about eight seconds. We decided to just leave the condom out of it. One day she says we should use a condom again. A month later she breaks up with me. A week later I find out she was cheating on me. I learned that the use of a condom is a good indicator of if you’re girlfriend is cheating on you. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn that lesson until the second time it happened.

For the next week you’re going to be hearing the true confessions of a Sex Panther. You’ll get it all – the injuries, the failed attempts at trying something new, excruciating tales of making women cry in bed, lessons learned the hard way. By the time next Friday rolls around you’re going to want to have sex with me just so you can experience first hand how bad a panther is at having sex.

I’m the Sex Panther – hear me roar.

And then hear me apologize.

Labels: mitc

Sex Panther: The Young Cub

Monday, November 28, 2005

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