The Moose in the Closet: The Sex Panther: Challenging the Mind

The Sex Panther: Challenging the Mind

I ask all my readers to please not insult the people who link to me. Thank you. (Courtesy of aspiring writer Hero Pierrot). Oh, yeah – Sean Maher thinks I’m ugly. Which is fine because I don’t want to fuck him anyway.

Elk’s Run #6 is in Previews. I know, I know…where’s number 4? Josh says:

Thanks to all of you guys sticking on Elk's Run. The printing delay is still being worked out, and hopefully issue 4 will be out very soon, with issue 5 directly on its heels. These issues have been done on our end for literally months, and it's just been a pain getting our new publisher and printer on the same page. Hopefully, it's all squared away and the books on its way soon.

Stick with it, it's worth it. Here's a b+w page or two from issue 6 as proof.

I’d like to add: No comment.

If you think the Colts look good this season you should have seen them last night on my new HDTV. Suckers.

Anyway, let’s just get to the fucking story, aye?

_______________________

As a reminder - this week's stories are raunchy. However, they are not sexy. You will not be turned on. You will be disgusted. You will laugh if you have a sense of humor. Proceed.

Every feline needs to play with toys in order to stay mentally sharp – to “Challenge the Mind”, as it were. For the Sex Panther this need for toys is no different – without the introduction of toys the Sex Panther grows bored, unchallenged – the Sex Panther feels like a major part of his felinity is being neglected.

I’ve told you all about the first vibrator I purchased and how I used it for prop comedy. The second vibrator, well…

A certain someone thought it would be fun to play with one but this someone didn’t want to go into the sex shop so she tasked me to do it since I have no shame. Now, not much thought was really put into this purchase. You see – this certain someone was a tiny girl and if I was smart I would have gotten a tiny dildo. My mind warped with porno, much like it always is, I buy this GARGANTUAN realistic dong – it made my dick look like a pencil. No amount of lubrication could get this unholy monstrosity in. I wasn’t tasked to go sex toy shopping by myself anymore.

Over the years and with several different girls I’ve experimented with a variety of toys and 90% of the time things didn’t quite work out the way I had planned. Part of the problem was because I was a poor college student – I remember the time I purchased French Ticklers which were essentially condoms with these rubber finger-puppet looking things on the end. They were neither French nor did they tickle but they cost me a buck each.

Another problem is the learning curve associated with distinguishing novelty items from actual sexy toys. You see, edible underwear is the kind of thing you give to someone as a joke for their 21st birthday. Do you know what it looks like when you actually try to use a pair of edible undies that are designed to look and taste like chocolate? It looks like she shat the bed. How’s that for hot?

Another problem is the learning curve associated with how things work. Like when she wants vaginal beads and you get anal beads because they’re cheaper – it’s not like they say exactly what they are on the package. So these things roughly look like grapes and get lost in the pussy while you do the finger/munch combo meal. There’s nothing sexier than spending ten minutes feeling around for a plastic tab to grab on to so you can yank the beads out.

And then there were the attempts at improvised toys. Like when you go to the shop to get some kind of ties only to discover that they’re ridiculously expensive. So instead of using a shirt to tie your lover down you decide to use bungee-cord since she’ll have some extra freedom of movement. Two minutes into it the cord is cutting into her wrists and giving her severe rope-burn.

What’s funny is, as I write this, I’m realizing that my mistakes cause discomfort and pain for my partner, not me. That’s awesome.

Like the time I got scented lube and thought it was flavored lube. Would you like to taste watermelon while you go down? Too bad – it tastes like Vaseline.

But the all time greatest fuck-up, the one that I wish I was making up and you might think I am because it’s too perfect, came at the expense of a simple blindfold.

My dorm room junior year was an RA single – bed on the end right next to my desk with a makeshift shelf above the desk, the kind that just rests on some supports. I got to the bathroom and come back to find my lady friend at the time lying on my bed, blindfolded and naked, with a devious smile on her face. I make my way towards the bed while taking off my clothes, excited to be able to take part in the “surprise” thing, get tripped up by my own pants while I take them off, start to fall and reach out to grab something to keep me upright.

And I grab my shelf.

And it falls off the wall.

And whereas most of the stuff falls on the floor my fucking stapler cracks my lady friend in the forehead while she’s blindfolded.

SURPRISE!

Sex Panther, hear me roar.

Labels: mitc

The Sex Panther: Challenging the Mind

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

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