Tease, Bumper, Sundown, Chica and Tales from a Smoker: The Efficient Smoker

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

A little tease for The Church of Moose faithful. More info to come.

Do you know what I forgot to do? I’m an asshole. Guess what’s soliciting right now? The Elk’s Run bumper edition, soliciting through Speakeasy, reprinting issues 1-3, featuring a Darwyn Cooke cover, a forward by Steve Niles, a feature I wrote on going from plot to print, a feature on the coloring process by Scott Keating and original sketches from Noel. Homeboy – order this book! Preview number AUG053101. Also, stop by the Elk’s Run forum on the Speakeasy website when you get a chance and tell us how much you love us.

Do you know what today is? New comic day. Go down to your store and pick up a copy of Jay Busbee’s Sundown, please. Do yourself a favor, it’s good. I read it. I’m not lying. And if your shop doesn’t have it, tell them to order it. Arcana publishes it and the order number is: MAY052943. Second is JUN052768.

Friday, Friday, Friday is coming! For those of you taking off on Thursday I wanted to once again reiterate that I’ll be roaming in Chicago all day Friday and partially on Saturday. There’s like ten-million picture of me on this site if you don’t know what I look like. Just look for this stud.

Or this one.

Ok, seriously…this one. Except minus the sunglasses, right people? If you really wanted to talk to me about anything (i.e. gigs (I am taking free-lance editing jobs as of last week, more to come), collaboration, hummers) just email me your booth number or politely request my phone number.

Story time bitches…


Whereas I was extremely bad at hiding my cigarette smoking from my momma, I was a fucking master at hiding it from R. For those new to the blog, I realize this confuses a lot of people so a quick refresher. Robin is my current girlfriend, we’ve been together for six years and she comes into play from senior year in college and on. R, on the other hand, is an ex-girlfriend I dated for two and a half years, through freshman and sophomore year in college. I just don’t use her whole name. Back when my friends and I were doing Closet Elvis this guy Dave lost a job because they saw what he was writing on my site. Ever since I’ve been very careful with the names I use.

Ok, so I hid my smoking from R. She hated smoking, thought it was disgusting. When we first started dating, towards the end of high school, she caught me smoking once and said that she doesn’t think she can be with a smoker. I promised to quit which really meant I made a promise that she will never catch me again. And I was good at it.

I always knew her schedule and whereas my life was a mess filled with smoking way too much dope and drinking way too much alcohol, no sort of structure to my day what-so-ever, I always managed to plan my cigarette smoking in such a way that maximized the likelihood that R would never catch me.

If I was in for the night and she wasn’t staying over I would smoke like a fiend. Same for when it was one of those days I knew I wouldn’t see her. But if it was a midday smoke and I knew there was a chance I would see her at a certain time I would get the smell out. I perfected a shower-teeth brushing-mouth washing power combo that I was able to complete in less than ten minutes. If I wanted to squeeze in a smoke I would:
a) Change into my designated “smoking clothes” that I can easily claim I wore out to a bar or club.
b) Suck down a cigarette (or two) outside of the dorm.
c) Shower while brushing my teeth.
d) Put my original pair of clothes back on, this way there’s continuity in my outfit.
e) Chew gum while I talk to her, kiss, whatever.

Ten minutes tops, I shit you not. I had the whole shower set up ready to go at all times in my room. There would be times when R would call me up on the way back from class and say she’s going to stop by for dinner giving me 8, 9 minutes to do the routine and I’d pull off the entire routine with nary a second glance of suspicion from her. My short hair (and occasional bic-job) helped considerably but I’m confident that if I had to I could have squeezed a blow-dry in there as well.

It’s funny because I was so proficient in hiding it from R but I couldn’t hide from my mom to save my life. The reason is simple, really. If my mom caught me she’d cry and go back to Brooklyn eventually. If R caught me I wouldn’t be having sex for a week.

Hiding it from R really made smoking more exciting. It was a little mission, my own torrid affair with tobacco. Tobacco and I would get off on squeezing it in, flirting with getting caught. There would be this rush and this shared sense of excitement when we got away with it.

Eventually I got caught. Her friend caught me smoking, can’t plan against that – it’s difficult to know the schedule of all of her friends. I asked her friend not to tell R but then decided it was a better idea if I fessed up, which I did. She was mad but at that point I stopped caring as much. If we were studying I’d go out for smoking breaks and same goes for when we were drinking. It’s probably one of the things that led to our eventual breakup.

And smoking wasn’t as fun anymore from then on, either. It was an addiction and not an adventure. It’s like I was having an affair, my girlfriend found out and next thing I know I realize the girl I’m cheating with is kind of frumpy and has this annoying, high-pitched voice. Just takes all the excitement out of it.

After R and I broke up I spent junior year as a disgusting pack a day smoker. The only thing more disgusting than a dedicated smoker is a smoking couple, which is what Robin and I became. But, more on that later, two more days to smoking week.


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