Rumors, Articles, The Surrogates and 5 Nights at Jillian’s: Bad Ankle

Monday, August 08, 2005

I was talking to a buddy online last night and he was telling me that apparently some dude proposed to some chick at Chicago Con, like on the convention floor. He could have been bullshitting me, anyone witness this? If is it true and said dude reads this site, I just wanted to say congratulations; you’re proposal was only a hair less dorky than proposing at a Star Wars screening. You guys are off to a great start and I can’t wait until my future kids beat up your future kids. Unless you buy our books. In which case – rock on!

Secondly, my coverage of the Jim Krueger panel was posted at The Pulse. You know, in case you don’t get enough of me five days a week.

And thirdly, as I said yesterday, “The King” was the best book I purchased at Chicago but The Surrogates #1 (by Robert Venditti and Brett Weldele) was a close second, also from Top Shelf. It’s sort of Brave New World meets…well…a modern Brave New World. The other side of it is super original – sort of like Otherworld, I guess, but a whole lot better. It’s a world where people live their lives through android surrogates, they’re safe, untouchable and all of their vices can be enjoyed without repercussions. But there’s someone out there killing surrogates and you get a feeling the main cop on the case might sympathize somewhat – he realizes the lonely reality of a complete lack of true interaction.

Beyond the great story and artwork, what makes the Surrogates notable is that it’s Top Shelf’s first full-color miniseries. Whereas it’s nice to see that Chris Staros seems to be venturing into new territory with this book, publishing something that is obviously a very mainstream comic, there’s something else about it that really excites me – it’s a writer/artist collaboration. Whereas you occasionally get one of these with Top Shelf, the fact that they decided to go that route with this particular book, which they were already taking a huge chance on, impresses the hell out of me and inspires me to no end. Top Shelf is probably my favorite company; I think that’s fair to say. I always get their books and I love them all immensely. And here I am, going through the motions, trying to get the writing thing going and it’s kind of comforting to know that, if I get the chance to pitch, my favorite company won’t balk on my ass because I come as just a writer. At least I can have that thought in my head while they reject me.


Sometimes, half of the story is a lot funnier than the full story; this is one of those times.

The typical night at Jillian’s, as I’ve said before, consisted of me sitting in the backroom and watching TV. Occasionally I’d get a call to refill tickets in one of the machines and at least ten times a night I’d have to pull trash out of a coin slot (they didn’t upgrade to a card system until after I left). Additionally, at least once every hour or two I’d leave the confines of the back room and make my rounds on the floor, make sure everything is working properly, talk to the bouncers and play some pinball.

While making rounds a customer will sometimes grab you and let you know something isn’t working. It gets pretty annoying because it’s usually a knee-jerk kind of thing, especially around the air-hockey tables where apparently the pucks have some special form of camouflage that make them impossible for drunk people to see. I’ve been grabbed by people at times when the puck was on the table, in plain site, and they’re telling me it’s missing. Needless to say, we always stayed away from the air hockey table when we went on our rounds.

One night on my rounds I got grabbed by this girl who pulled me over to the side as if to tell me something in private; it was pretty obvious this had nothing to do with Zaxxon. She looked somewhat embarrassed as she pulled me close to her and whispered in my ear, “I think you should come into the bathroom with me.”

Now, needless to say this was one of the greatest moments of my life – this is the kind of stuff porno movies are made out of. At this point I was still was single, Robin hasn’t entered the picture yet and I figured I was going to get some of that freaky bathroom sex I’ve only heard about, never took part in.

Being a good employee I grab my walky-talky and tell the other game-tech, “Yo, George, I’m taking a break. Be back in ten minutes, cover me.”

The girl leads me to the bathroom and as we walk there she keeps requesting that I “play it cool” and “don’t call the cops.” That she “feels bad”. I have no idea what she’s talking about but I just figure she’s drunk and nervous, you know?

Well, it turns out she wants me to “play it cool” and “not call the cops” because in one of the stalls is some Asian girl, that she obviously “feels bad” for, lying on the ground in tears, with her top pulled down, her panties down to her knees and her ankle swollen to fuck (story goes it was fractured).

Realizing that this was one thing I didn’t want to get involved with and that this girl had no intention of fucking my brains out, I got back on the walky-talky and said, “Can I get some security to the women’s rest room, please?” The girl that pulled me in shot me a dirty look to which I responded, “Sorry, lady. I’m just a game-tech.” Security showed up and I left the bathroom.

Girl says she was having sex with some guy in the bathroom, standing on the toilet, when she slipped and cracked her ankle. The guy booked it. There are several obvious flaws in the story – the most obvious ones being:
a) Why was she standing on the toilet? Was the guy a friggin’ giant?
b) The chick must have had osteoporosis if a fall from a toilet bowl was enough to fracture her ankle.

But her plot-holed story was funny, imagining her falling off the bowl and the guy just booking it, dick flapping as he pushed past patrons to get to the exit, maybe hoping his wife doesn’t find out. The truth, which I never actually got, I’d imagine was more like something violent happened that somehow fractured this girl’s ankle. She was pretty fucked up; I can only imagine the dude was equally coked.

Abuse = not funny. Silly Asian super wacky fun hijinx = funny.


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