Self-Pimp and My Blow-Up Romance

Friday, July 22, 2005

Little self-promotion: a new Here’s the Thing is up. This one is all about image and why you need to work on yours.


Jesus Christ MegaStar was the brainchild of Guam and I. I talked a bit about it earlier on, essentially it was a one man show marketed as a larger show to trick the audience into believing the star of the show, me, hijacked the play. But even saying it was a one man show is a bit of a stretch because as the play went on different characters were added.

Quentin, the keyboardist, became a character with lines and many funny bits. Dan, who was originally supposed to be Jesus according to the playbill, got shoehorned into the roll of an apostle, a donkey, a Pharisee and finally Judas. Pat, the “director”, played a couple of bit parts before becoming Pilate. Guam was a plant in the audience who played the roll of the preacher at the end that brought the whole play together. Even the stage hand played a roll, disgruntled and throwing props at me as the show went on.

And then there was Mary Magdalene. Mary was a blow-up doll, purchased at a sex shop, voiced off-stage by Pat, wearing Old Navy track pants and a gap sweater. During my first month of this blovel, way before anyone was reading, I posted this track which was the Mary Magdalene/Jesus song Forbidden Love. Guam is actually doing Mary’s part for the CD recording since he was originally supposed to play the director.

Anyway, if you listen to the track you’ll get a taste of how offensive the play was.

Guam and I had to purchase the blow-up doll and we went to sex shop on Newbury to see what they had in stock. We had to choose between the black doll, the Asian doll and the white doll and we decided on the white doll since it was the most hideous. See:

Two guys walking up to the counter and placing the doll down caused the woman to raise her eyes a bit, probably thinking we were going to have the worst threesome of all time.

“It’s for a play,” I told her as she silently nodded her head, not believing a word of it.

We took it back to my place and blew it up. As soon as it was filled I instantly put my hand in the vagina and realized that there is no way anyone can find this hot. It’s plastic and way too expandable. Put some lube on it and it might compare to a sixty year old woman that had ten kids.

The boobs were hysterical – they were an a-cup at most, in case you had a thing for flat women. The fact that she had a poop-shoot and mouth was even funnier, since there was no physical difference between them and the foyer. She was shaved down below, as well, which really meant they saved a penny on paint.

Her face sort of looked like an alien and she had this butch-lesbian haircut. When I first realized how butch she looked I had this funny image in my head of a desperate lesbian trying to get hot with a blow-up doll. It still makes me laugh to this day.

We had to take it to the stage. Part of the charm of this play was that the stage was actually an amphitheater sized classroom – it really added to the fact that this was going to be a lot more low-budget than we advertised it to. So essentially, we had to store this blow-up doll and the rest of our props in a storage room behind a classroom, where teachers kept supplies and what not.

The day we carried the blow-up doll over also happened to be the day our props people finished creating our 8-foot cross. So here we are, walking through the streets of Boston (Bay State Road, no less, filled with college students), Guam carrying bags filled with costumes and a clothed blow-up doll, me dragging an 8-foot tall wooden cross.

Needless to say, everyone got out of our way and stared at us in horror, some laughed.

Once the play was over there was always the question of what we were to do with the blow-up doll. Despite Robin’s protests, we kept it at my place for a while, occasionally changing her clothes for a couple of laughs.

One night I actually stared at it, while alone, and wondered what it would feel like. I mean, people actually use these, you know, it can’t be that bad. Thankfully I resisted the urge – I think I would be pretty embarrassed with my self if I gave it a shot, especially with a girlfriend that lived across the street that was a quick booty-call away.

When we moved out I got rid of the doll – deflated her and put her in the recycling bin. I had a good semester with Mary around, but that part of my life was over and it was time to move on. Mary will be missed, but I take pleasure in knowing that she may become part of some fanboy’s costume. And knowing that, I wish I did have sex with it, because the thought of some fanboy’s Batman costume at one point being humped by me really makes me smile.

Here’s a little bonus for you, the Jesus Mon track. This is where the Pharisees, played by Dan and I, plot the Last Supper.


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