Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: New Gig, New Article, Wiping and Slapping dat Ass

First of all, I am the new editor for The Washington Spark’s cartoon page, an alternative paper centered here in the district. It is a growing publication, making the transition from monthly to weekly as we go through the year. Admitedly, I haven’t read it before getting the gig but I checked a couple of issues out yesterday and it is quite nice, high production values for a newspaper. So I’m looking for cartoonists now, I need to put together my first page in a week. Calling on my fellow Conspirators to help me out as much as they can for now.

Speaking of the Conspiracy, feel free to stop by and check out my second edition of “Here’s the Thing…” in which I focus on setting a goal, going after it and occasionally screwing over your friends (even if it’s a temporary screw-job). Enjoy a little truth in your daily reading.

Thirdly, before story-time, I want to talk about Sean Maher once again. You see, he does this thing on his site every once and a while where he transcribes a conversation he has with his lady (here and here). It’s usually sweet and kind of silly and I usually say, “awwwww”. And then I wonder what it would sound like if I did something similar for Robin and I. And here’s an excerpt of a conversation I had with Robin just tonight:

Jason: When you pee and shit at the same time, do you use one piece of toilet paper to wipe?

Robin: Yeah. I go back to front with one wipe.

Jason: Really?

Robin: No, idiot. I use one side and then flip it around to do the back.

Jason (laughing): And that’s better?

Robin: What? I do the front first! Otherwise you get an infection.

Jason: That’s fucking nasty. You’re nasty.

Robin: You wouldn’t understand. Other girls understand.

Jason: Whatever.

Robin: You should wipe your dick when you pee.

Jason: I’m not wiping my dick after I piss.

Pause

Robin: It just smells sometimes.

Jason: Yeah, well, apparently you rub fecal matter on your vagina so don’t give me shit.

It goes on like that. For like twenty minutes. And the thing is, every conversation is like that. For the past six years. Either Sean Maher is a lying bastard or Robin and I are just kind of gross.

_____________________

Here’s goes a story that RJ will violently deny in the comments section. Not that he’ll say it didn’t happen, but he’ll swear it didn’t happen like this. Whatever, I know what I saw.

My cousins RJ and Luis came up to visit me one weekend for my birthday. I have two embarrassing stories about this trip. One of them will make Luis turn red, the story of Shitboy. The other will get sand in RJ’s vagina. Since it’s summer time and I love me some beach, let’s throw sand, shall we?

We decided to go out clubbing one night. A bunch of us got together but the only problem was that RJ is a true New Yorker, which means he has no ID with his age on it, and Luis is two years younger and wasn’t 18 yet. They needed IDs.

I know Luis borrowed my friend Eric’s ID, a portly, balding Jewish kid. Luis is six-foot-five, built like a fucking house and has all of his hair. For some reason I keep thinking RJ borrowed Nico from Rico’s ID but he came out with us as well. RJ might have used it to get in and then we may have walked it out to Nic0 from Rico. Either way, they both had dark skin and somewhat crazy hair – it wasn’t as much of a stretch.

So we’re in the club and we get to dancing. Luis is dancing with the fattest girl imaginable and he’s having a fucking blast. We were breaking on him when he came over to us, asking him where he went.

“I was on the floor.”

“Oh man, I guess I didn’t see you behind that fat chick.”

He took the jokes well, he started saying how he couldn’t get his arms around her and shit like that.

Anyway, we all go back to dancing. RJ starts freaking this black-chick, having a good old time. Nico from Rico walks up to me and tells me RJ is freaking some girl and I turn to watch, we’re both kind of smiling because they’re doing it nasty.

Now, here’s what happened. Fuck you RJ.

RJ slaps the girls ass. Hard. She turns around and RJ tells her, “Bitch, I’m from Brooklyn.” The girl slaps RJ and walks away. Nico and I start fucking dying.

I ask RJ what happened. He says, “The song said to slap that ass so I slapped that ass.” The “Bitch, I’m from Brooklyn” was simply his way of telling her that he every right to slap that ass.

Say what you want RJ but here’s the fucking truth. Back in Brooklyn I have a video tape of you, in my room in Boston, telling this fucking story. You can’t deny it several years later. When I get home, I will copy it to my hard-drive and share it with you. I should do it anyway because it also has us doing the Shitboy video.

Labels: mitc

New Gig, New Article, Wiping and Slapping dat Ass

Thursday, June 16, 2005

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