Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: Writer's Workshop, Looking for Talent and 13 Rules

I joined Chuck Palahniuk’s writer’s workshop. They recently started a script workshop and it seems pretty cool so far, I’m using it as a way to work on my editing; I might eventually post some stories as well. But it just seems like a good bunch of people giving feedback and, most importantly, feedback on your feedback, which is what I need. I mean sure, I can edit the fuck out of a story but I have the tendency to come off as a bit mean sometimes, a little too blunt. Works for my friends but sometimes kills the working relationship with other people. But, I mean, look at me. Look at the stories I write, how can anyone expect me to be wine and roses after reading this site? Anyway, I hung around Digital Webbing and Scryptic for some time but the signal to noise there is really low and you never get feedback on feedback. So, Chris Fabulous and I joined this place. Worth checking out if you’re an aspiring writer, editor or if you’re a fan of Chuck.

Also, I think I’m on the quest for an artist. I have two things I’d like to get something together with by San Diego . If you’re out there and want to get some dialog going, please hit me up. Otherwise I have to hunt people down and I hate that.

My week of sex is coming to an end. I have a lot of sex stories I could tell and there are more I do plan on telling in the future because, well, I like sex and I have it as often as I can. 50% of my life has been spent trying to get sex or having sex. The rest is compromised of writing (usually about sex), sleeping (while dreaming about sex) and watching baseball. I’m not a sexual guru by any means but I’ve learned a few things and I think I’ll share them with you, the reader, so you don’t make the same mistakes I’ve made. These are all based on idiotic moves I’ve made.

1 – If you go into a convenience store with your girlfriend and purchase whipped cream and a six pack of beer, they probably know what you’re up to. To save her from unnecessary embarrassment that might be caused by a wise ass clerk, pick up some ice-cream as well.

2 – For the love of God, let the girl pick out the porno movie. God forbid the movie you pick out has anything in it that can be deemed “offensive” to her. And if you do pick it out, don’t tell her it’s one of your favorites. You’ve never seen that movie before, it’s brand spanking new. This way, that thing that offends her, she won’t think that it’s a lifelong fantasy of yours.

3 – If you video tape yourselves having sex, don’t watch it right afterwards. It’s kind of awkward.

4 – Also, if your girlfriend suggests destroying the tape of the two of you having sex, don’t cut up the wrong tape thinking you can fool her. She’ll probably double check. Also, if she suggests destroying the tape, it means she’s going to break up with you soon.

5 – If your girlfriend start to make out with another girl, it’s ok to be excited, but it’s not ok to hoot and holler like Daffy Duck. It really kills the mood.

6 – When taking a break from an ecstasy enhanced sex fest to go to the bathroom, don’t knock on your friend’s door and start telling him you’re having some amazing sex and you’re currently tripping balls. Because there’s a chance your friend if your girlfriend’s next boyfriend. And there’s also a chance you’re lying and the sex is kind of lame and the ecstasy only lasted for about an hour. And if that happens, not only will your friend be banging your girlfriend a year later, he’ll also know you’re a liar (and a sleazy one at that).

7 – Your roommate isn’t really sleeping. He’s actually lying in bed, wishing the two of you’d finish up already, so he actually can fall asleep.

8 – You can’t tie someone down with industrial strength bungee-chord, if it unhooks it’ll whip them in the face. Plus, it apparently burns their wrists.

9 – Sex in the ocean only works in Hollywood. Salt water + friction + sand + open spaces = supreme irritation.

10 – No, you most likely can’t put it there. Unfortunately this isn’t a porno movie. And she won’t fall for the “Oh, that slipped.” You can’t slip into there, it’s impossible. And when she asks to remove it, she means it, she won’t suddenly like it and realize what she’s been missing.

11 – If you’re really drunk and you know you’re going to throw up you probably can’t make it through the sex session. Give it up, there’s always tomorrow when you don’t vomit in bed.

12 – If you go all out and rent a nice hotel room, drop a couple of Franklyn’s on it, at least try to do some research and find out when her monthly visitor tends to stop by. The head you end up getting will be hollow and it will never offset the frustration you feel over the money you wasted. This rule goes double for long vacations to exotic islands.

13 - Don’t ask someone if they’ve ever been tested for HIV immediately after having sex with them. Believe it or not, they feel like a slut when you do that.

And with that, have a good weekend.

read a book, fanboy: Lullaby

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Writer's Workshop, Looking for Talent and 13 Rules

Thursday, April 14, 2005

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