Three Blogs and Born to Fuck?

Monday, April 11, 2005

I pretend to run a “comic blog”. For those who haven’t caught on, I throw out a quick blurb about someone or some book or some site and get right to my story of the day. This way, comic readers get tricked into reading the blovel and non-comic readers get tricked into learning about comics. Everyone wins, really. I figured, for the sake of my comic readers that come here, I’d review some comic blogs that I’ve stumbled across so they know where they can go to get real comic related commentary and information. I would do non comic related blogs for my non comic readers but I never read non comic related blogs because I hate poetry. I’ll do three blogs today; I might do more throughout the week. After that, I’ll tackle the question “was I born to fuck?” and then we’ll call it a day.

The Comics Curmudgeon is a great example of how you can do sarcasm on the internet without resorting to the “< /sarcasm >” tags, which are absolutely hilarious < /sarcasm >. I am addicted to this site, so much so that I once considered buying some of the guy's merchandise but then decided he doesn’t actually know that I read his site, so I have no reason to feel guilty. Everyday he takes some strip from the comics’ pages and pokes fun at it. I've never read the comics pages before finding this site, but now I read them just to try and guess which one he’ll pick apart.

I had no idea who Tom Peyer was when I first stumbled across Superfrankenstein. I soon found out that Tom Peyer is a guy that posts hilarious links, occasionally comics related, and couples them with an often humorous, quick commentary. It’s really not the kind of site you go to for comic news, by any means, but it’s usually a nice start to the day if you want a chuckle. His content tends to be comics, movies or politics related, his political allegiances being reminiscent of a 500-pound girl getting on the left side of a see-saw and launching a fetus into orbit. I still have no idea who Tom Peyer is, by the way, all I know is he’s cowriting a Spider Man mini with Mark Waid which means, at this point, I should know who he is or he gives great head.

Johnny Bacardi is 90% great name and atmosphere, that alone separates him from the other comic blogs that do great commentary and reviews. Johnny’s site is a great place to go for honest reviews without the pretension you get from other review blogs. You can actually disagree with him and he might see your side! I see Johnny’s site as a good place for a comic connoisseur in training, he seems to be refining his palette daily, trying new books and finding new talents and giving honest feedback on the material.

And now, onto the story. After depressing my readership last week with stories about my family, I’m going to dedicate this week to sex. When you get emails that read: “you made me cry again, suka! “, you realize your readership may need a break.

I was freakishly tall as a kid. I hit 6-foot-3 by the time I was in Junior High School. I pretty much stopped there and now I’m not “as tall” as I hoped I would be but back in the day I was a fucking giant compared to my friends. And believe me, I use it to my advantage.

Back when I was eleven I was introduced to this girl, we’ll call her MDT. She was dating this guy John, an older kid that was part of our skating crew. Our skating crew consisted of a bunch of kids between 11 and 18 years old, it was a nice dynamic because it allowed for us to learn tricks off of the older kids.

I don’t remember how this all started, but I do know that I told MDT I was 16 years old and we started making out, while she was dating a 16 year old kid that could easily kick my ass. When you’re eleven, you really don’t know anything about jealousy and shame, you’re just trying to get by and learning as you go along. MDT broke up with John and became my girl; I thought this was perfectly fine. I continued to skate with John and the rest of the crew and although I did notice the dirty looks I never really thought anything would come from it, she’s just a girl after all.

Well, something did come of it. I guess John didn’t really want to beat up an 11 year old so he went for the next best thing, embarrassment for both MDT and I, he told her I was eleven. She confronted me about it, I confessed and she didn’t want to talk to me anymore.

The next day we were making out again. She told me she didn’t care about my age. Truth is, she savored the flava and once you get some Jason in your arms you just can’t stop.

Ok, truth is she was probably fucked up.

But either way, I was dating a 16 year old when I was 11 and she knew my age. John stopped skating with us, obviously, I don’t know how anyone can handle that kind of embarrassment. That’s like Jerry Springer style embarrassment.

We carried on for a month, making out, never anything more. At one point I got a cold and I was all afraid that I had AIDS. Everyone of my friends agreed that I could have AIDS. We asked some nurse that lived on our block if I could get AIDS from kissing, she said no, and pointed out that you mainly get AIDS from sharing needles and homosexual relations. Some heterosexuals get AIDS but only if they have sex with a homosexual. But it’s impossible to get it through kissing a non infected person. So, you know, I was in the clear. But my friend Bobby did tell me that he thinks she had a hole in her arm, it could have been from shooting up.

Ah, kids. Remember when you were 11 and thought you had AIDS from making out with a 16 year old potential-junkie?

My cousin Luis told my mom about MDT and that was fun. I was grounded and I sat in my window playing my baritone because I was a fucking loser. After an hour of playing my mom told me to go outside but to stay away from MDT, which I didn’t.

I went to Arizona for a week to visit my Uncle Alex (and holy fuck is that a story for tomorrow) and when I came back I found out MDT made out with Rossalino, this kid from the neighborhood with a mustache and motorcycle. He used to always make fun of us for riding skateboards, claiming motorcycles were cooler. During one of his demonstrations he ran over my friend Ross. In retrospect, Rossalino couldn’t have had his license, he was too young (probably 16) but he rode that motorcycle around the block like a pro.

And thus ended my first relationship. Eleven years old, making out with a sixteen year old. I wish I could say that my MDT relationship set the tone for the rest of my sexual escapades but sadly I did not turn into the pimp master early predictors were calling for. But I had my moments of pimpdom, my Arizona trip being fucking hysterical, to me at least. I can’t wait until tomorrow.

equilibrium sucks, fanboy: The Graduate

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posted by Jason at 4 Comments


4 Comments

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK, but now I know you read my blog, Mr. Rodriguez. So don't you think all your friends would like Fence Post Frank hats in their stockings this year?

Seriously, thanks for the pointer to my blog. And seriously, buy some damn merch or I'll come to your house and pee on your lawn.

-Josh (aka the Comics Curmudgeon)

8:56 AM  
Blogger Jason said...

Ok, well, I've been wanting a "No Cents, No Fence" hat since you put it up so I did the right thing and ordered one.

All I needed was a little motivation.

9:17 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow, that worked better than I expected. I've got to move away from the "gentle suggestion" model of advertising and towards the "threats of violence" model.

jf

10:51 AM  
Blogger Johnny B said...

Thanks for the namecheck, Jason!

I shall continue to strive not to suck...

1:35 PM  

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