Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: Sean Maher and God's Gift (UPDATE! A great plug!)

Front. Fucking. Page. For when the front page goes cold, here's a link to the article itself. For those that don't know, Elk's Run is the book that I edit (and have a back-up story in issue two co-written by Chris Fabulous and illustrated by Paul Maybury).

I had a couple of drinks tonight and I was going to forgo the daily pimp and just post the story and then I was reminded why Sean Maher's blog fucking rocks me. Everyone should read his article on how to sell books at a con. And when you’re done, read the rest of his site.

Continuing my week of sex stories that are designed to counteract my week of depressing family stories…

What would you do if you woke up one morning and discovered that your penis was four times larger than its normal size?

Well, I’ll tell you what I did that day I took a shower and found what I originally thought was God’s gift to me; I called my girlfriend, R.

“Holy shit, baby. You have to fucking see this!”

“See what?”

“Just come over.”

So, like a good girlfriend, she came over and I instantly showed her my humongous penis. I had a smile across my face that would have put the Kool-Aid man to shame until she told me, “I think you should go to the hospital.”

And I did. Hopped on the T and went across town to some hospital on the red line, can’t remember the name. Waited for a doctor and when it was my turn, went in and busted it out, smile on my face – I was proud of my freakish penis. This was a penis of legend.

I will never forget the doctor’s response. Everyone has things that they claim they’ll never forget but the doctor’s response is impossible to forget, it has been permanently imprinted onto my brain. I thought she would have been impressed, I was rocking about seven inches soft and girth like you wouldn’t believe, but instead, my not-at-all-subjective and professional doctor winced and asked me, “Have you been masturbating a lot lately?”

I could have been honest. I could have told her that, yes, after having sex with R the night before I got a couple off. This kind of thing happens, we’re alone in our room, we plan to watch kung-fu but instead we download a new Rocco Siffredi movie. Three hours later we milked our shit until it can’t take anymore punishment, irritate the fuck out of it and go to bed. I could have been honest, but you try telling a woman you just met, doctor or not, that you masturbated all night to the most misogynistic porn ever created.

So I told her I didn’t do anything, that I just woke up like this.

Do you know what a culture is? If not, I want you to really imagine this for the full effect.

Imagine someone takes a pointed plastic stick with a little scoop on the end and shoves it up the hole of your penis. You think that hurts? Imagine them moving it around, scraping the inside of your penis walls. It hurt so fucking bad. It was probably the worst minute of my life.

Oh, and it got better. You see, R thought I had a disease because, well, the doctor said I could have a disease. So we had to wait for the results of my test to come back before we were allowed to have sex again. My doctor was most likely fucking with me because she knew I was lying to her, but my tests didn’t come back for a week.

Now, not having sex for a week is fine. I’ve had dry spells that have lasted many a month. But you see, the doctor told R that I wasn’t allowed to irritate my penis at all, so I wasn’t allowed to masturbate either. Imagine getting reminded by your girlfriend twice (or more) a day that you can’t masturbate. Now ask yourself, what hurts more? The culture or the embarrassment of an 11PM phone call telling you to drop you cock and go to bed?

Let me give you a hint, they both sucked.

turn of the metallica, fanboy: Emergency Rations

Labels: mitc

Sean Maher and God's Gift (UPDATE! A great plug!)

Thursday, April 14, 2005

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