The Moose in the Closet: First Comics and SEX!

Wasting times over at Comics.org I started looking up books that I owned when I was a wee kid to see if the covers rang any bells. It was a good time. GI Joe #2 was one of my first comics. The cover is unmistakable. I also have fond memories of GI Joe #55, I remember how Cobra Commander unmasked but put on sun glasses, a barret and a fake mustache. The shit we remember.

I also realize now that I had the complete run of Captain Carrot and His Amazing Zoo Crew. Every one of those covers is familiar and I remember the stories inside.

I’m trying to think up as many of my early comics as I can and I’m surprised that some of them don’t have cover galleries. I remember owning Groo, Star Wars, Droids, Ewoks, Madballs, Peter Porker, Transformers, Thundercats, Fraggle Rock, He-Man, The Get Along Gang and this comic that was based on those stuffed animals that folded into themselves and became balls. Popballs or Popems or something. Popples? Yup, Popples it is and it was published in 1986 making me the gayest 8 year old ever.

I’m trying to remember what other pre-Super Hero comics I used to read but I’m drawing a blank. Which ones do you guys remember from the early to mid 80s? Maybe you can jog my memory.

Does the first time always suck?

Mine was with MP, a girl I ended up dating for a year and a half. We were awkward right from the start, I think, several failed attempts at the act. We were very sexually uncomfortable; I was never good with condoms despite carrying them around since I was eleven and she had a weird vocabulary (she called my penis a “bird” and commented on how it “chirps” for her, very odd). She never let me watch while getting head, either, which completely defeats the purpose of head. For what’s it worth I can spit in my hand and close my eyes. So, we were basically two 16 year old kids, extremely awkward and just trying to go through the motions without a notion of sexuality.

The failed attempts were always weird. We got caught once by my pops. We brought a tent out to Rockaway, set up shop, and after futzing with a condom for a couple of minutes a ranger was nice enough to let us know tents weren’t allowed on the beach (could have been lying). A lack of knowledge about lubrication leading to injured private parts (both parties) when trying the “jam it in” method. Typical 16 year old kid shit.

And then it finally happened, in my bedroom on the floor. I was so amped because everything came together perfectly and stayed together for the entire thirty seconds we were fucking. It wasn’t even fucking. It was in, one hip movement, and twenty five seconds of breathing hard and trying to clench some muscle in my taint that doesn’t exist. And just like that my “bird” had “chirped”. And I apologized, like a good 16 year old, for making her first time the most depressing first time a girl could possibly have. I went down afterwards to try to make up for it but that lasted all of about ten seconds before she asked me to stop. I think she might have cried, to. She tried to cover it up. Now THAT is something to make you feel good about yourself right there. In retrospect if I probably just laid her for a second instead of going for a snack she would have been perfectly fine but, I was still learning back then.

I’m pretty sure MP and I got it on after that, we had to of, but to be honest I hardly remember any of it. I remember one time at this kid’s house and there was some disgusting Russian porno on, really bad stuff, hairy women. I really don’t remember much else.

And that’s probably because whenever I think about that relationship I think about how I’m the biggest idiot in the world.

She was cheating on me for quite some time, verified by several sources. And I was in major denial. Her friend John. I’ve actually seen pictures with the two of them in bed together, “fake” pictures where they were posing under the sheets with their friend and her boyfriend.

One day John was dropping her off at my place and they were an hour late, they accidentally missed the exit for my house and ended up in Manhattan.
One day she came over with a hicky on her neck and told me her friend Helen gave it to her, playing into my typical male girl-on-girl fantasies. She was crying, apologizing; I was psyched because the possibility of some three-way action was looking promising.

I broke up with her at one point. About a week later she wrote me a letter saying how she’s nothing without me and yada, yada, yada. So I got back together with her. A month later we exchanged gifts on Christmas and I got her a bunch of cool shit and she got me the worst presents ever. It was, like, three button down Van Heusen shirts (I didn’t even wear button downs) and some used book about The Beatles. Up until recently I forbade girlfriend’s from getting me clothes as a present, I actually developed a complex over those shitty gifts.

(Robin’s allowed to get me clothes now, it took some wearing down. I even own some Van Heusen dress shirts for work because they’re a lot cheaper than Hilfiger. But still, it took some time to come this far.)

We went out with a bunch of people for New Years that year. John was there. After the bells, after my kiss, John asked her if she could get his jacket from her room. She led him upstairs and they were there for about five minutes.

It was at this point that I actually started to suspect something.

A week later she broke up with me.

On a fucking crowded bus.

metallica sucks, fanboy: Wanna Buy a Monkey?

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First Comics and SEX!

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

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