Learning to Drink

Saturday, January 29, 2005

I almost wrote my Saturday post last night, before going to bed.

I was a little on the drunk side, went out with a bunch of people to celebrate Robin’s last day at her job that’s been torturing her for the last year or so. She starts her dream job next Wednesday – working at home running a pet sitting business because the owner is retiring. Making the same amount of money and a set schedule so she can go to grad school and get her MBA, which she started doing this month. Congratulations baby.

So, yeah, I was drunk and my post would have totally sucked. Big time. I’m glad I actually had the sense to stop myself and say, “You know, Jason, this post is probably going to ruin everything you’ve trying to build on this board.” Ok. I didn’t say that. I said, “Man, I can really go for some McDonalds” but then realized I shouldn’t drive to McDonalds so went to bed in an attempt to combat the cravings.

Anyway, I think this is a good time to talk about some of my worst drunken experiences.

Tequila Night – College, sophomore year. Me, five friends and a bottle of tequila. Kicked in about an hour. Flying the rest of the night. Talking to my friend Kim in the hall, my friend Matt gives me a wedgy, slight tear in the underwear. “You call that a wedgy, you pussy?” I scream at him as I reach behind my back, grab the band of my underwear, pull it over my head and rip the underwear OFF MY BODY WITH MY PANTS STILL ON. “Now THAT’S a wedgy!” Hung them up on my wall, it became legend. People would come from miles to see the underwear.

First Night of College – Never had hard liquor before that. I was a beer man straight through. Went to a party, talked all kinds of shit. Someone must have called my bluff and handed me one of those big plastic souvenir cups. About 9 parts vodka 1 part OJ. I don’t know if I drank the whole thing but I know I threw up all night. One part I remember was my girlfriend at the time helping me shower because I puked all over myself. “Move your head.” I said. One second later I’m throwing up where her head was. Not a proud night by any stretch.

Down by the River – Sophomore year again. We were all drinking in the dorm, took it to the Charles River. I decided to lay down by the river bank because I’m that smart. My friend Kim, from the tequila story, found me and Picked m up, pretty much carried me home. Kiro, the tallest Japanese man to ever lived, found us halfway and helped her out. We got to the dorm. “I’m fine, I need to shit.” I went into the bathroom and my ass exploded. Then I had to puke. So in this quick ninja motion I spun off the bowl, put my head in it and puked. I then rested my head on the seat and passed out, face hanging over a mixture of diarrhea and puke, pants down to my ankles exposing my shit crusted ass. Kiro came in and found me and being a true friend, picked me up and carried me into my bed. Even pulled my pants up for me. He told me the next day that I told him “It’s ok, you don’t need to wipe my ass.” He didn’t, of course, thankfully.

Joe’s Car – Joe was on the football team with me. One night we went out to some friend’s house. Joe was on meds, he wasn’t drinking, so we took his car out instead of a cab. Well, I drank. We drive back to Joe’s house. Right after we park, about ten seconds before I should have exited the car, I decide I can’t hold it anymore and turn to throw up out of Joe’s window. But the windows closed. All over his car, all over myself. I start telling Joe I can’t move. He runs in, gets some paper towel, and cleans the inside of the car and me while I apologize to him over and over and over again. Once he’s done I hail a cab and go home.

I’ll tell me two other favorites, not involving me.

Nico on Skates – Sophomore year, again. Nico from Rico is drunk. We all are. He wants to go rollerblading. We didn’t think it was a good idea, he went without us. About an hour later he comes back. Cuts all over his body, bleeding from head to toe, clothes ripped. He looked like he got hit by a car and dragged through the neighborhood.

Tom in Cambridge – At party, Junior year this time. Tom disappears. We cant find him anywhere, finally we decide to go home. At about 4AM Tom calls us at the dorm, tells us he doesn’t know where he is. He throwing out street names, we use Mapquest. He’s in Cambridge. We were at a party in Allston. And his isn’t Cambridge as in off a T Cambridge. This shit was deep Cambridge. “Tom, how the fuck did you get out there?” He started walking home from the party and saw some little kid’s bike in a yard. He hopped the fence and stole this little bike and rode it, drunk, all the way to Cambridge.

So those are some of my drinking stories. Feel free to share yours.

read a book, fanboy: The Bad Guys Won!

turn off the metallica, fanboy: Accepted Eclectic


posted by Jason at 4 Comments


Blogger Jorge Vega said...

"I then rested my head on the seat and passed out, face hanging over a mixture of diarrhea and puke, pants down to my ankles exposing my shit crusted ass."

This is quite possibly one of the most magical sentences I've ever read.

4:22 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

It certainly has a rhythm to it.

8:09 PM  
Blogger hooray said...

The night of playing Star Wars on the computer. You remember more than me. All I remember was waking up with a foot in my face.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jason said...

I gave RJ (hooray) a drink that was a mixture of every alcohol we had and a little Orange Juice. We then go toke up in this guy Max's room, minus RJ who's playing X-Wing on this guys Eric's PC.

ABout a half hour later RJ bursts into Max's room like Kramer and starts bouncing off of walls until he passes out. He then wakes up with my foot in his face.

The end.

4:19 AM  

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