Jason Rodriguez - The Moose in the Closet: Breaking walls and physics

Today is my last day in my current apartment. I’ve been in this building for three years, this particular apartment for two of them. With everything packed up and this apartment exposed in all it’s nakedness I can honestly say that Robin and I have thoroughly fucked this place up really, really bad. Holes in the wall, stains on the ripped up carpet. Blinds are cracked, I smashed the light on the ceiling in the bedroom and it’s been a bare bulb for the past year. Warped wood, books on the windowsill so long they left clumps of paper and paint behind. The tub is so dirty it looks like we were using our place as a hostel for peeps traversing the Underground Railroad (I forget if any of it actually was underground but you know they were covered in dirt by the time got this far up north either way).

I wish I could be all cool and talk about the rock star buried deep within me and how said rock star just destroys shit for the hell of it. Fact of the matter is - I am quite possibly the biggest klutz you will ever meet. Just to let you know how bad it is, and how people have just accepted it, the other day I was out grocery shopping with Robin when she turns to me and says, “You know, you haven’t fallen down in a while.” Completely out of the blue, I should have been thrown for a loop. Instead I just thought about it for a second and agreed. I haven’t fallen down in a while.

We have a half cup rule in my apartment. If I’m drinking anything but water I am not allowed to have my cup more than half way filled. This way, when I spill it, it won’t leave as big a stain. You see what I mean; it’s just sort of become my way of life. When I help people move I don’t carry the TV. Everyone discourages me from entering stores with glassware in it – they usually ask me to wait outside. If I have to go in, because let’s say I’m the one buying some stuff, I need to take my book bag off. I’m bad with my book bag, I have pretty much worn one everyday of my life since elementary school, I wear it everywhere, and yet I will still walk around as if I have no idea it’s on my back. My book bag has been on the receiving end of the “you break it you buy it” rule many a time. This basically means I’ve been on the receiving end of the “you break it you buy it” rule many a time since my book bag can’t hold a job let alone pay for the shit it breaks.

Probably one of my bigger klutz moments and by far my favorite was when I wanted to act out a scene from Monty Python’s Meaning of Life (I believe). There was a skit when a man hires some people to bring him up a mountain – Everest, I assume. Anyway, this crazy tour-guide guy, a Sherpa I guess, shows the mountain climber the path they will take by climbing on the wall and office furniture.

So, I decided to show RJ and Luis what happened in this hysterical skit. The first move was to jump on the wall in my parents dining room and pretend to cling to it as if it’s a mountain.

Foot right through the wall, up to my knee.

I think I should pause for a second. This wall has a bit of history with me. I put several holes in it, usually from opening the door too hard and punching the doorknob through it. Now, I have this one memory which could really be another dream because looking at it now it’s really weird. But I also think I pushed Luis through this wall once. I’m actually laughing my as off right now because it seems pretty ridiculous. Either way, this is the first time I put my foot through it.

So now RJ, Luis and I are staring at the hole in the wall and wondering what we should tell my parents. We had some joke suggestions, a bird flew in the window and crashed into the wall, someone threw a bowling ball through the window and it went through the wall. We finally settled on the worst lie of all time.

Now, it’s a lot funnier if you look at the layout of my parent’s apartment and try to act out what I told them. But here we go. I was in the kitchen, getting something out of the fridge. I close the fridge and leave the kitchen, trip over the corner of the refrigerator, probably becoming the first man in the history of refrigerators to trip over the corner of one. That’s like tripping over the corner of a building. Anyway, I tripped over the corner of the refrigerator, turned 90 degrees, and somehow fell forward about eight feet, crashing head first through the wall. This was my big excuse. It violated every law of physics as well as every law in lying.

They didn’t buy it. At all.

Hey, if you’re going to pick up Elk’s Run #1 and if you’re a customer for Mail Order Comics, like I am (shops are for pussies), pick it up there. They have it for 40% off cover (at some point today, as of this posting they still haven't updated the main site), good deal. I really shouldn’t be going around telling that to the world because it’s kind of assholish to the other retailers but we’re all friends here and I know some of you already buy from them. I don’t see why you all wouldn’t buy from them, books are cheap, don’t have to leave your house to socialize with nerds and you can be sure to order all of your indies and not rely on your LCS picking them up. That’s just me though.

read a book, fanboy: A Canticle for Leibowitz

turn off the metallica, fanboy: Cold Vein

Labels: mitc

Breaking walls and physics

Monday, January 31, 2005

4 Comments

Previous Posts